I’ve been really naive for the past eighteen years.
I’ve been really naive about everything.
You may think that I’m a well-informed young woman. All vegan and whatnot. Conscious of her carbon footprint. You may think that my love for animals is bold, revolutionary and difficult–inconvenient, even. I know because I used to look up to this kind of person. Yeah, well, that’s what you think.
You may think it’s so great that I’m all for equality! I’m a liberal! And I’m learning about feminism and I’ve learned that some of the things I’ve said in the past were just stupid. Like what I said about rape. And like how I used to use the word “ghey” generously because I figured it was an appropriate synonym for “stupid.” Nevermind that it sounds the same as “gay.” I stopped a long time ago, and it’s just a huge improvement on my part.
And you know…it’s great that I read so much. I’m educating myself. Most people my age never bother to pick up a damn book because reading is boring. But I know that it’s crucial. You have to find the right books. And I also know that finding your own taste in music is important, too. Not like I think outside the box, really, but at least I’ve found my true niche musically. I love what I hear.
Maybe you’re not thinking any of this. Maybe you think I’m stupid, and that’s inaccurate as well. You’d only be right if you said that I’m incredibly naive. Back to the first sentence. I’m naive.
I thought people really cared about these things. I thought they made these missions their life. Education, God, animal rights, feminism, math. But really, they’re just hobbies. At the end of the day, they just go home for a good fuck. That’s it. When they clock out, their temporary hobbies don’t matter. It’s all about sex.
I’m not just talking about society and advertising. I’m talking about life. The big picture. Doesn’t it seem so obvious? I mean, it’s instinct to track down a mate. We look for soulmates, and life–they tell you that you should live to love. Everything’s about “love.” It’s just a nice way to cover it up and say that everything’s about sex. You fall in love, and you want to have sex with that person. You have sex, and you may or may not fall in love. What is love anymore? And I’m completely serious–what is love?
So as an eighteen-year-old virgin, I feel singled out and stupid. So many women in the feminist movement tell you that you should have sex. You shouldn’t worry about retaining your virginity. It won’t sully you to have sex. In fact, it’s unhealthy not to have sex. Fuck Christian morals. Have sex. Have sex as often as you want with as many partners as you want. Virginity doesn’t matter and it doesn’t feel any different to lose it. You don’t have to rush to lose it or anything, but man, don’t be a fucking prude. Just get it over with when you’re offered the chance.
Now you think I’m not worth listening to because I’m inexperienced. Or you think I’m Christian (I’m not, and I don’t see myself waiting until marriage because I don’t even know about marriage). Or you think I’ve got some moral complex with having sex or at least being deflowered (I simply don’t).
My reason is simple. I haven’t had three million opportunities to have sex. I’ve had one, and I felt at my core that I was too young and not ready, so I just declined. I’m no good at suggestion and I’m really shy. I’m fairly difficult to obtain because I’m selective and timid, and I’m fairly difficult to retain because I have commitment issues–I’m always in love with someone else. Oh, and I’m not going to go out of my way to ask some boy flat-out if he wants to fuck–Number One, how romantic would that be? and Number Two, he would no doubt decline my offer because that would be creepy. There are some guys who would be turned on by some girl asking them to fuck, but not just any girl. We’re talking at least sorority-girl hot or cheerleader hot. I’m very average.
Basically, it’s my decision, and it has nothing to do with religion or morals. I just don’t want to. I want to be passionate about other things, like literature and intellectual pursuits and French. I don’t need sex right now, and I don’t think that will ever be some main focus of my life. I’m not going to argue that sex sucks. I think it’s necessary, just as necessary as art or music or eating. But to make it the focus of everything, the underlying meaning of absolutely everything…it’s overwhelming for me. I just want intellectual pursuits without sex.
It’s always been weird hearing about people who have stated that they would fuck me or that they find me even mildly attractive (an implication that they could potentially find me fuckable down the road). But now I understand that it’s just what everything boils down to. Sex. It’s not really anything personal, and they don’t love me. It’s not really that they even like me. It’s that I have a vagina and reasonable tits.
This is where I have a problem with conformity to “sexual orientations.” I’m not going to say that it’s actually a preference, something we can turn on and off. But if love is what I want it to be–if love is about more than just sex–then I’m partial to self-determinism. The lack of autonomous gender preference. Or, okay, you could say that I’m heterosexual, and that would be accurate because I’ve always been attracted to males and I’ve always dated males and I’ve never had any sort of intimate relationship with a female (not that I’ve ever had the opportunity because society makes it so unacceptable to be in a same-gender relationship that my mom would probably temporarily disown me). I am predominantly, overwhelmingly heterosexual. That doesn’t mean that I’d completely rule out loving a woman, though. Right now, I’m not talking about sexual experimentation, like so many girls do. I’m talking about love, like being madly in love with someone. Love of mind and personality and appearance, but mainly things that extend beyond appearance. Maybe that would extend to sex. But it would be primarily based on mind and personality and appearance, because that’s how I evaluate my love for males, too. I think that confinement to heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual labels is negative because I don’t see any reason why you can’t love whoever you want. Now, some people would be willing to label me as bisexual for even thinking this way. Others would prefer to label me as a lesbian because bisexuality “doesn’t exist,” and if I’m dancing with a guy, I’ll always be looking over his shoulder at some girl (not true). And these are just my thoughts right now–I’ve not even acted on them yet.
For the sex obsession, by the way, it’s not just the men. It’s the women, too. Of course, it’s more repressed because it’s less socially acceptable for a girl to express her sexual desires than it is for a guy. I mean, a guy can express that he has a boner proudly, but a girl can’t express that she’s all wet and horny. But think about it. Your female teachers will go home and have steamy sex with their boyfriends tonight. Maybe after an argument, cold and stiff makeup sex. Maybe after a romantic dinner. The girl who made your sandwich at Subway will have sex with her girlfriend after her shift. That’s everything. Sex is universal. It’s so simple. It’s why we need other people’s approval. It’s why we care so much about appearance. We want to get laid. And unlikely people get laid, too. Your class president. The bus driver. Unlikely people have sex with people who are unlikely candidates to be their sexual partners. Teachers and students. The most studious people in your grade with some drug addicts. Most people you meet have sex or have had sex. They’re just not sharing. But I don’t know why not. Everyone wants it. Sharing stories would make sex ever so slightly more attainable if it was less secret, and I think it would also make a lot of types of sex less taboo.
Only thing is, I hope I’m wrong about life being about sex. It’s so disappointing that life might be based on something so simple and even carnal and completely superficial. It’s so disappointing that I can feel myself plummeting into a depression. I think I just want boko-maru. I just want to press the soles of my feet up against those of someone else and let them work their magic. I want a connection without taking off my clothes. I want to love simply and to be loved without the expectation of an orgasm all the time. I want to be loved for being smart and attractive and witty. But I don’t want to have to be Christian to do it.
P.S. Many parts of this entry are inspired by BITCHfest.
P.P.S. I left my secret somewhere in Richmond today, and it helped me to feel better.
8 Comments so far
Leave a comment
INDIEchouette 
I would like you to know I have never thought less of a girl who has told me she’s horny. It would be awesome if they did that more often.
Also, the majority of college kids are still virgins, the partyers just stand out more.
Oh, and don’t bitch so much about being a virgin at 18.
Mandatory “It’s good you don’t expect an orgasm every time. hurr hurr”
Comment by wut?! 25 September, 2008 @ 1148 amNo. I said that a guy shouldn’t expect an orgasm every time.
OHHHH.
But seriously. No orgasms.
Comment by indiechouette 25 September, 2008 @ 950 pmPaige, you are awesome.
Comment by SaraEDay 25 September, 2008 @ 1108 pmI feel like no one is a virgin anymore, you know? I feel like at nineteen, I’m the minority. It feels like everyone is having sex every weekend and that it might just be easier for me to be a virgin forever because I’m so out of the loop.
As a matter of fact, I just had a conversation with my suitemate about how she hooked up with a guy on Friday. She said it so so so casually. If it would have been me, my face would have been bright red and I probably wouldn’t have told anyone. But she said it like, “Oh, did I tell you? I stopped at the store on the way home and got us this awesome new cereal!”
I think some girls are meant to be like that–taking sex lightly and doing whatever. And then there are some girls–like you and I–that value things other than the sex life a guy can provide for us. I value the feeling I get in my stomach when a special guy looks at me. Or how my heart flutters when I see that special guy. And the truth is that it takes much more talent and a much more special and better person to make someone feel so great by just looking at them. It’s easy to make some happy by fucking them, but it’s very difficult to stop a girl in her tracks just when she sees you. And I don’t mean to get her all horny. But to make her LOVE you. Love is rare, that’s what I think. And when you find it, it’s very fragile. I don’t want to go ruining it with sex.
Like you said, I want to be loved without always having something stupid expected of me. A loving relationship should not be an eye for an eye. “Alright, I make you come tonight, you give me a blow job tomorrow night.” It should be, “I love you so much that I just want to make you happy all the time. I don’t care if you do shit for me. I just want to make you feel beautiful.” It takes two people like that for a successful relationship.
I don’t know. I guess I’m just really happy about this because no one that I know will open their mouths to talk about this. And that makes me afraid to talk about it. I’m afraid that it will blow my chances of ever getting a boyfriend. (To tell you the truth, I’m afraid of going into a relationship because I know that most people. Just. Want. Sex.) But I’m so so so so so happy that you’re brave. That you’ve talked about it and you are proud of it.
It’s great.
I applaud you :)
Hi! I just read what you wrote, and the comments, and I can totally relate to pretty much everything you wrote. I thought I was the only one not be so sex-focused and then realizing that pretty much everyone else is. I felt really bad about it for a while, being a virgin at 18, almost nineteen, and then even thinking about if it would be just easier to remain that for the rest of the life, like Sara commented. Anyway, thanks for writing about it on your blog, it felt really good to see some others being more like me ^^
Comment by Betty 27 September, 2008 @ 1213 pmHey Paige, I don’t tell you this enough but you’re awesome. However, I don’t think you’re naive when it comes to love. Everything is not about sex. Sure, everything is not about love either. Basically, there’s no general rule when it comes to everything and what everyone focuses on. Some people believe in love. Some people believe in fucking. It’s just a personal thing, and I don’t think you should take offense or a compliment just based on what someone else believes. I am not saying I never commented on a guy for being cute, since I have done that way too often, but usually the thought that follows consists of some sort of conversation we would happen, rather than us sharing a bed without clothes.
Oh and the part about you being heterosexual totally makes sense. There’s a huge difference between experimentation/sex and love. If you believe in love happening anywhere, you might as well believe it can happen with anyone. I mean, why can’t you have an emotional attraction to someone? Isn’t that love to some degree? If so, wouldn’t there be something similar to that bond you have with a best girl friend and the love you feel for a guy, but instead is for a girl? My point is, I just loved how you said everything in that paragraph because I’m glad you’re open-minded when it comes to that thought process.
There is also the possibility that I don’t want to call you naive because inside I know I’m pretty much the same way… and while I have admitted that I have been pretty naive, I don’t want to admit that love doesn’t exist. I mean, I don’t need a guy to feel complete, nor do I need a guy to make me happy. I think you put it best in the last paragraph, and it’s sort of sad when you realize that it probably won’t happen unless you step it up a bit. Even the most non-superficial guy will have some standards that I will not be able to meet, and that just pretty much sucks, when all my life I’ve somehow become the person who would do anything for love… and thought that love overcame everything. Poo.
Comment by Ke 28 September, 2008 @ 149 amYeah, I find that one problem with a lot of feministings are that we end up being told we need to have MORE sex, and that’s great if you’re into that sort of thing, but if you’re not an intensely sexual being that makes you feel left out. You don’t HAVE TO HAVE sex. Nobody has to. It’s fine if you don’t want to, it’s just as normal, they just fail to point that out a lot of times.
Comment by theskyhaseyes 28 September, 2008 @ 1046 amI was a pretty horny teenager and now I’m a fairly horny 20-year-old, and I’m really not all that embarrassed to admit it, but I’ve never actually had sex with anyone except my boyfriend of two years. And this may not sound like it makes sense, but our relationship isn’t about sex. Sex hasn’t become a main focus of my life, but he, as a person, has. For the past year we’ve been in different states, different zip codes, to pursue our respective educations, so when we’re not together all we can really do is talk on the phone, write e-mails, etc. I know he would love me even if we weren’t having sex, when we can, but neither of us really sees why we shouldn’t. And I kind of think this is how it is in life – yes, it’s universal, everyone does it, it underpins human relationships, but this doesn’t mean that humanity and life as a whole are only about sex. It’s there, in the background, all the time, but what’s really important is everything else that’s going on. In my opinion, anyway. Love does exist, and it is separate from sex. I know this from personal experience. I don’t think think you should call yourself naive for believing in it, even if you are inexperienced.
Comment by Kate 21 October, 2008 @ 1143 amI guess in the right situation, under the right circumstances, with the right person, a relationship won’t be based on sex, whether or not you’re actually having sex.
Kate, your comment helped me out tremendously. Because what you described is essentially what I picture as ideal, even if it may be sort of difficult for you both to be so far apart (I read about how long that takes, and was immensely surprised).
Comment by indiechouette 25 October, 2008 @ 1028 am