This is my first roll of Diana+ Dreamer film.  I exposed it a little before I started, while I was loading, because it confused the fuck out of me.  I am a n00b, but now I know.

Also, I want to give you a song as a peace offering.  It was warm yesterday and this song came on at the bus stop.  On beautiful days, I’m extremely open to listening to music that I haven’t tested yet, whereas on dreadful days, I prefer comforting familiars.

Town of 85 Lights | The Occasional Keepers
[mediafire] [buy]

It’s been on my computer for probably forever, but it really struck me as something else, you know?  It’s almost as though it’s from a different era.  It’s a weird listen, but not displeasing.

Today, two friends and I journeyed to Carytown, because apparently it hit a high of 70 degrees Fahrenheit here, which is sweet.  It was a nice walk, and I got to ride a bike part of the way.  I love riding bikes, and I love bike riders.  It’s a problem.

While we were in town, we hit up Richmond Camera to pick up my film.  The people there are always helpful, not snobbish like you may expect artistic people to be.  We also went to Smoothie King for sick smoothies and then Bang-on to browse.

Tomorrow, Virginia and I plan to take rva’s advice and hit up Re-Cycles for sick bikes.

27 February, 2009, 1238 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I have decided that I hate things.  Material possessions.  I have too many things I don’t even need.  And I have no attachment to any of my possessions.  Not even my iPod or my laptop.  Maybe my camera (the Diana+ Dreamer) has some sentimental value, but if someone were to steal it, I would be upset not because it was gone, but because of the action someone had taken to accomplish that goal.  Things blow my mind, and people who love things and love to buy things confuse me.  If someone stole my laptop, I would only be worried by my parents’ reactions of anger.

I can live in the same clothes day after day and not need new ones.  I can eat the same things all the time.  I don’t need new things to keep me happy.

Also, candy disgusts me lately.  I still eat it for now, but every time I buy or consume it, I can just feel that it’s a waste and a symbol of wealth and affluence.  People in need do not spend their money on frivolous things such as candy.  They spend it on substantial foods.  Maybe if I didn’t eat so much candy, I would be thinner and more attractive.  Not so cute, able to be something more than just cute.  Instead of looking in the mirror and seeing a tired puppy most days or a three-toed sloth or a rabbit, maybe I’ll see some other animal.  Or a nymph.  That would be excellent.

Vanity also disgusts me, though.  It matters so little, and it’s a selfish thing to care so much what other people think of how you look.  It disgusts me, but I still care so much about it because in order to survive in such a social world, people have to like the way you look.  They need to find you to be an attractive and charming person.  And you can hardly be physically attractive without some trace amount of vanity.

22 February, 2009, 1142 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I thought I was immune to this winter illness, since it’s almost March.

I was wrong. I’ve been in bed basically all weekend, plus Friday. I only went out three times: Once to get medicine on Friday and twice today to eat.

This is no fun.

Stay healthy.

18 February, 2009, 1059 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I am just really pissed lately.  Pissed and just plain upset.

I love people but I am frustrated with their actions.  And I’ve never hated someone.  I don’t think I have the capacity to hate, actually.  At the same time, I don’t think I’ll be able to fall in love in the sense that is so often used.  It’s too constricting to love just one person, even romantically.  People tell me that I am only eighteen, so I couldn’t possibly know this for certain yet, but you’d think that I know enought of myself by now to know that I can probably not fall in love.  It’s more that I have the capacity to love so many people.  Everyone has a different personality, has different pluses and minuses.  Even two people who are subtly different are incomparable.  I couldn’t choose between them.

I don’t like living here amongst consumers galore, with capitalism-loving douchebags all around me.  I don’t like the concept that you live, you die, and nothing in between matters.  But it’s the only thing that makes sense.  I believe that I am an atheist.  And I think I’m going to start reading philosophical religious literature, because while it depresses me to no end, it also interests me greatly.

Furthermore, I so often feel lately that I’m ready to die, but conversely, I need some kind of philosophical mentor to help me drudge through this time.

13 February, 2009, 450 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Nowadays, I notice that girls and women have far better eyebrows than they have in the recent past.  Today, I discovered the glory of a home-waxing kit.  It was glorious.  I’m still trying to find one that’s definitely vegan (that’s why I normally just pluck–I don’t think tweezers can be not-vegan).  But right now, my eyebrows kick ass.

Beautiful eyebrows come in different shapes and sizes, obviously depending on the natural thickness and grain of the brow, the colour, and growing rate.  Natural is best.  But some girls don’t have a clue.

Upon browsing the interwebs for eyebrows today, I came across an extremely amusing but also incredibly alarming site, Weird and Ugly Eyebrows, a subsidiary of Ebaumsworld.  This made me consider common mistakes.

1.  OVERPLUCKING.  This is a prominent problem in teenaged girls.  One sign of overplucking is a uniform thinness and general shapelessness.  Another symptom is a sperm-like shape, with a big oval near the inner corner of the eye and then a sudden uniform thinness.  I don’t know why girls overpluck, especially considering the celebrity influence on the age group of typical offenders.  Celebrities generally have awesome eyebrows.
WHAT TO DO:  Do not touch your eyebrows until they’re fully grown in (which should take two to three weeks).  If you need to touch up the middle, by all means, do it.  But don’t touch the body at all.  And trust me:  You look sillier with overplucked brows than you do in the growing stages.  Once you’ve managed to grow them in decently, get thee to someone with great brow technique, whether that’s just a friend or a salon worker.  Ask for some shape, and ask them not to make them too thin.

2.  OVERPLUCKING IN THE MIDDLE.  I can understand where this comes from, since a unibrow is a problem.  But when you overpluck in the middle, it makes your eyes look small and far apart.  I know this because the only time I had my eyebrows waxed professionally, the woman was breathing on me heavily and even though the body of the brow was perfect, she waxed too much in the middle.  When I saw them in a mirror, I cried.  Then I filled them in with eye pencil and refused to leave the house for several days until my brows had retained enough bushiness in the middle.
WHAT TO DO:  Maintain the body if it looks right, but don’t touch the middle.  As they say, hold a pencil straight up from the inner corner of your eye, parallel to your face (I do not want to cause any eyeball poking, so do it right).  The line you’ve formed shows where your eyebrows should end.  So grow them in to that line (it should take two to three weeks) and maintain between those lines.  If necessary, fill in with eye pencil for public outings.

3.  UNIBROW.  The unibrow is surprisingly not much of a problem with girls.  Instead, I see a lot of guys with unibrows.  Since it’s socially acceptable for guys to maintain whatever shape they naturally have, I guess they assume that this means everything plus unibrow.  If it’s subtle, you might as well keep it, but supposing it’s noticeable, you might want to get in there with a pair of tweezers once a month…maybe once every two weeks, and take out the most prominent hairs.
WHAT TO DO:  Either pluck the center yourself or go get them waxed.  See 2 so you don’t overdo it.

4.  PENCIL BROWS.  Pencil brows never work.  Whenever I see shaved eyebrows, a part of me dies.  What’s worse is when someone pencils on exaggeratedly shapely brows or even worse than that, when they draw exaggerated lines instead of eyebrows.  I understand the want to get rid of hair.  I really do.  But that does not look natural.
WHAT TO DO:  Grow those puppies in.  This should take two to three weeks.  Once they’re ripe enough, get them waxed at a professional salon, or have someone you trust maintain them.  Tell them to give you guidelines and not to make them too thin.

5.  ZIGZAG BROWS.  Bad shaping technique on the tail of the brow, near the top, is a pretty common mistake.  This makes a girl’s eyebrow look like a zigzag.  Generally, my rule of thumb is Do Not Touch That Area When Maintaining the Brows.  It’s bound to go wrong.  I used to do it, but looking back at my photos, I sincerely regret it.
WHAT TO DO:  Stop, don’t touch.  Grow them in.

6.  BUSHY BROWS.  Some people would consider untamed, bushy eyebrows to be a humongous problem, especially with dark-haired women.  I do not.  Working with bushy eyebrows gives far more leeway than working with thin eyebrows, and it generally yields more glamorous results.  While thinner eyebrows have easier maintenance, you can do whatever you want with the shape of bushy eyebrows.  Look at my eyebrows and then look at my sister’s.  I maintain the eybrows of both of my sisters.  They have the same eyebrows, which are relatively thin, and it’s easy but I can’t shape them the way I do mine, which are formatted differently.
WHAT TO DO:  Just get them maintained.  Ask for brows that are not too thin.  Use this as a guideline for home maintenance and plucking.

8.  OVERPENCILNG.  Overfilling happens rarely, but it still occurs occasionally.  It makes the eyebrows look thicker and more defined, but at the expense of potential smears and unglamorousness.  Try to keep the eye pencil as close to the shade of your brow as possible, and don’t go outside of the lines of your brow much unless you really fucked up with plucking.
WHAT TO DO:  Stop it.  Blend well, or just ditch the pencil.

9.  DYED BROWS.  When you dye your hair, either do it within two shades of your eyebrows or dye your eyebrows within two shades of your new hair colour.  Don’t dye your eyebrows unnatural colours.  When dying your hair blonde (lighter), keep your natural shade of brows unless your natural shade is black, as it will clash.  I discourage dying your hair black unless you have the eyebrows to support such a drastic change.”
WHAT TO DO:  Tips are included in the problem section, but I’ve never dyed my own, so you might want to ask someone else, like a salon worker.

And I recommend that you always make sure you maintain your mustache and beard.  I know it’s a pain in the ass.  Western culture.

Regardless of my vanity with the visage, I think it’s awesome when girls refrain from shaving their legs, nether-regions, arms, fingers, feet, stomachs, and armpits.  I have the utmost respect for women who disregard society’s standards regarding that sort of thing.  I’m just obsessive over eyebrows.

I’m lame.

10 February, 2009, 1043 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Our problem is that we are cold.  Our problem is that we are abrasive.  Our problem is not really that we judge people, but that we evaluate them on a scale.  Is this person worth my time?  Will this person be worth the effort it would take to get to know her or him?  Will this person even be receptive to my efforts?  I think that everyone is worth getting to know.  For me, the evaluation is whether or not a person will be receptive to my efforts and often, the answer is in the negative.

10 February, 2009, 1219 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

It’s weird reading the Xanga I kept when I was fourteen.  Actually fourteen to fifteen.  It makes me realize that that period of my life was so dreadful that my brain has actively deleted extremely important parts.  It also makes me realize that circumstances were a lot worse than I thought they were, and that I was a trooper.  Had I gone through all of that stuff now, I probably would have been suicidal.  I have grown far more melancholy since I was fourteen.  I have to keep looking in the mirror to make sure I’m not still that person.  I do look a lot different, I guess.  I just didn’t notice the change.

I know that it’s three hundred percent dumb to think this way, but my secret is that sometimes I wish I had someone to take care of.  Someone who would come over so I could make them warm vegan meals when I’m sad and then we could eat together and pretend like everything’s okay and talk and laugh and then we could both curl up in my large bed together and I could just cry and be held like a baby.  And this person wouldn’t even stop me from crying.  They would just let me cry, and just hold me and understand.  We could be social together, go out, go about our own lives mostly, but when I was sad, that person would have to come over and let me cook for them and then they would have to hold me and let me cry.

Don’t care if it’s not related, I love this song.

Fin Song 8 (Orange River Remix) | Gregory and the Hawk
[mediafire] [buy]

I’ve been in a terribly contemplative state for the past week.