It doesn’t feel like tomorrow (Thursday) is my birthday.  I’m really reluctant to let go of being seventeen.  I feel like I’ve built up so much to be this age, kind of like when I was twelve and fourteen.  Those were ages which, for one reason or another, I aspired to be.  I figured I would savour them and in truth, I did.  I went through a lot of major changes at those ages.  Now, though, I don’t know what age I aspire to be.  Seventeen was kind of it for me.  I love being a teenager, save for all the misconceptions.  Fortunately, I still have two years left, even if I’ll legally be an adult.

I guess part of this whole it-doesn’t-feel-like-tomorrow-is-my-birthday business is that I’m away from most of my family, so it’s not like we can really celebrate.  And I need to make my own cake if I want one.  I’ll probably forego that because…

Okay, first, my sleeping habits are all fucked up.  I’m always tired on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and I take long naps in the afternoon.  Naps are very French, so I’m okay with that.

My eating habits are pretty fucked, too.  I don’t really want to go into that because it will scare those of you considering veganism or even vegetarianism.  NO, it is not hard to be vegan or vegetarian.  YES, VCU does offer a plethora of vegetarian options, as well as a few for vegans (which is really nice, considering that some restaurants aren’t even that considerate).  The problem with my eating habits has more to do with time management and being busy and slightly lazy.  If I have lost weight over the past two weeks, it is only because I do not feel like boarding the bus to go over to Shafer Dining Court or walking there.  I do eat in my room, though.  I’ve had fruits and nachos and occasional granola bars and cereal.  Also, I guess I do get a lot of exercise, especially on days when I am motivated enough to make the 1.5-mile “trek” between the MCV campus (where I live) and the Monroe Park campus (where all of my classes are and everything happens).  Okay, so in just two weeks, I have gone from being a health-conscious “leafy green” vegetarian to being a lazy-ass junkfood transitioning vegan.  That definitely needs to change as soon as I’m more settled.  Fortunately, I’ve been researching good grocery stores in the area.

Muzak, though!  I haven’t written about music in so long.

Okay, the first tune, I have been spinning (lolzers, more like “telling my iPod to repeat”) constantly for the past few days.  It’s not only the catchiness and the depth of the lyrics, but it’s that little background noise.  Some MGMT, I didn’t like at first because it’s pretentious and it sometimes reminds me of of Montreal (nothing wrong with a little of Montreal, but I can only handle so much), but you have to love “Kids.”  It just feels right.

Kids | MGMT
[zshare] [mediafire]
[buy] [direct link]
MGMT’s Site
MGMT’s MySpace

So now I’m giving MGMT a second chance, because I always used to get pissed reading that people thought Animal Collective was “artsy for art’s sake.”  Come on, now!  What’s wrong with being artsy for art’s sake?!

The next track I must present to you is one of the most desperately catchy songs I’ve ever heard, again.  Except I’d venture to say that Van She is far more pop-friendly than MGMT is, and I predict that you’ll hear more from them in the mainstream soon.

Virgin Suicide | Van She
[zshare] [mediafire]
[buy] [direct link]
Van She’s Site
Van She’s MySpace

In the meantime between now and when I’m legal/now and my next post probably, I’ve got to write an Argumentative Diagnostic Essay.  Fun stuff.  Um, Explosions in the Sky soon, as well as maybe some French sheittt for all those fellow francophiles (I know, there are so many…).


22 August, 2008, 1006 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Every time I love someone, though, I do have to say goodbye.  This is not a hypothetical question.  It’s reality.  It might be because I take them for granted or deny it up until the very second I have to let them go.  And then when I’m gone, I generally paw relentlessly and pointlessly at the air to get them back.

So updates!  I am still not legal yet.  I do not get a lot of sleep.  I miss my friends in Lewisburg.  It’s still kind of weird hanging out with acquaintances from middle and high school because I was an ugly person (though it will never be weird hanging out with old friends).

I need some sleep and maybe even some food, but I can’t sleep when I’m tired and I’m never hungry.  So I just walk a lot between campuses and buildings and bus stops and I explore some and occasionally, I meet new people.

I have come to a conclusion.  I love VCU.  I love the campus.  I’m not so sure about people in the city, because they’re not particularly friendly.  They have lives to get on with and they don’t really want to talk to me.  Me, I find it endearing when people do, in fact, find time to talk to me.  And I would confront people, but I don’t want to bother them.

Before I actually lived in the city part of Richmond, I was under the impression that it was so spread apart and that it would be virtually impossible to walk places.  The mile and a half walk from Cabaniss to Monroe Park seemed almost life-threateningly far.  But I realize now that I probably walked those distances in Lewisburg on a regular basis.  And anyway, it’s nice to be outside.  I only slightly fear being mugged, but that’s probably just me being naive.  I hear there’s an 8-in-10 statistic.

For now, this song is remarkably beautiful and calming and reminds me for some reason of Midlake.
I love it.  Later on, I’ll write about Explosions in the Sky and possibly Charlotte Gainsbourg or something uber-fun to describe my life, but right now, you’ll just have to settle for something fantastic.

Two Silver Trees | Calexico
[zshare] [mediafire]
[buy] [direct link]
Calexico’s Website
Calexico’s MySpace

18 August, 2008, 1012 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I am at college, right?  And the first day was fine.  I cried because I would miss my mom and shit, but that was when my mom was leaving.  But now I am alone in my dorm until my roommate gets here tomorrow, and it’s all sinking in:  I have no friends in my dorm yet.  I am already growing apart from the friends I love in Lewisburg, and I am alone.

I feel like I have just suffered a really bad breakup or something.

I am afraid of replacement.  I know that right now, as of recently, I may have been a romantic interest or a best friend or an extremely close confidante to some people.  Soon, that’s all going to change, and I will shift to become a good platonic friend or a fairly close friend or an acquaintance.  People forget good times.

The part of this that pisses me off is that people are not receptive.  I’m all emotional here, and they don’t care.  I’m spilling my heart out because I feel like I’m a Sailor Moon doll without the body or something, broken, with missing essential pieces, and they just don’t give a shit because they’re not emotional!  They haven’t had everyone wrenched away from them all of a sudden.  Just me and maybe a few other seniors.  That’s not their life.  It’s just a small part of it.

17 August, 2008, 246 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

I’ve been testing out my computer.

See, I got this HP Pavilion Entertainment PC and it’s sweet.  So smooth.  I like HPs because they look smooth and they run smoothly.  They have the aesthetic value and the performance value.  And this one is fast.  I like that.

I think my dad is talking to himself.

Okay, so move-in.  I moved into VCU yesterday.  I’m so glad I have a nice room-mate.  I guess for both of us, it was just get-in, get-all-your-crap-in, and get-out, so we didn’t really get to talk, but I did get to meet her family, which was cool.  That took a bunch of stress away.  However, she left immediately to go home until Tuesday, so this would have left me all alone.  I considered manning it up and spending the night alone in the dorm last night, but I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my mom and little sister before they left Richmond, so I decided to stay in the hotel with them last night.  Today, I’m spending time at my dad’s house, and then tonight, I’ll spend the night in my room and stuff because my dad’s leaving for California tomorrow for the week.  And then this week, I suppose I’ll spend a lot of time on my computer getting to know where to go, as well as a lot of time on foot just exploring the campus.  I’m at a bit of a disadvantage with my room-mate not being here, because I would have probably wanted to explore the city with her and get to know her and such, but that’s where my good old high school senior buddies come in.

The only thing I really feel uncomfortable with right now is all this free time I’ve got.  Classes start on Thursday, but until then, we really get to roam around and do basically whatever we want.  There are no instructions or real orientation plans, and it’s unnerving.  Right now, my major concerns are:

1.  What’s up with the bus systems?  Where are the bus stops?  What times do the buses come?  Is it free?  How do I pay for it?  Can I start using it all today?  How far apart are the MCV and Monroe Park campuses (because I reside on the MCV campus, but my classes will all be on the Monroe Park one) and could I realistically walk to my classes, because I think that would be great?

2.  If I want to bike around, where do I park it?  Is my bike cool enough?

3.  Are there any rooms I can’t go into on my floor (besides, you know, other people’s)?

4.  HOW do you act around upperclassmen?  How much do upperclassmen hate freshmen?  How much do I look like a n00b?

I’m not even that worried about meeting people at this point.  I’m just worried about getting to where I need to be.  I mean, when I get up tomorrow morning, someone else on my floor will have to be in the bathroom, too.  And I can say hi and introduce myself then.  Forced situations are great.

Anyway, I haven’t posted any music for you at all lately.  That will start again soon.

15 August, 2008, 1238 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Often, I think that I am the only girl who prefers to refer to superficially attractive males as “aesthetically pleasing” or “more than mildly attractive” rather than hot, tasty, yummy, or gorgeous, and often, I am told that my taste is really fucked up or weird. Apparently, though, a lot of girls prefer to refer to superficially unattractive males (who I sometimes find attractive) as “aesthetically displeasing/not aesthetically pleasing” or “only mildly attractive.” I do not understand why they have to be so polite at insulting someone, but they can’t bother to do that when they plan to court someone.  I mean, I know that a lot of women complain about being objectified by men when they’re called hot or bangin’ or fuckable or whatever, but I think that women objectify men a lot, too, and I think that if we expect for men to quit objectifying us and start being more polite and gentle with compliments, then we also need to quit objectifying them.

Also, speaking of Olympic swimmers, what IS it with this obsession with “fit” bodies and ripped abs on males, for the loveofallthatisholy? I remember two years ago when I was a douchebag fifteen-year-old lump of lard, I was obsessed with skinny boys. I’m not talking thin. I’m talking boys who look emaciated and you can pretty much see their ribs and all their little bones. But I have never been obsessed or even so much as mildly turned on by muscles. It’s not that I think they’re gross, but man, I guess you could say the attraction process for me is a little deeper than all that body shit. I like faces. I am a face kind of person. Some people say they could have sex with someone as long as this someone had a pillow over his or her face. You know, they’d have the body. For me, this is not so. If a person does not have a nice face, then I am absolutely turned off, at least superficially. The body hardly comes into the equation. I could put a pillow over the body and have sex with the face or something. I don’t know.  You can tell so much about a person from the layout of their face that you can’t necessarily gather from their body.  Face, hands, and feet.

I guess the fact that the body does come into the equation a little bit is enough, but I don’t care about details all that much.

Here are some things that define eroticism for me.  When someone takes off a sweatshirt and a little bit of his or her belly shows accidentally.  Happy trails and other sorts of male body hair and parts of thighs revealed.  When someone does something particularly delicate and admirable and intricate with his or her fingers, like lifting a piece of paper or writing or making a bracelet or tying a bow.  Back massages with fairy fingers and playing with hair.  Pressing bare feet together.  Knees that accidentally touch and do not apologize or draw back.  Sad half-smiles that make me want to cure melancholy people, or at least to give them something new to be melancholy about.  Getting caught crying.  I like all of these things to some extent.

Now, Sara posted some of her secrets, so I shall proceed to do the same.  I won’t tell you if they’re all true or if they’re all lies or if they’re mine or someone else’s (but I will say that they are all mine, true or not, and they probably are because I am not a secret-spiller), and I will leave people involved anonymous.

1.  The song that most accurately (right down to every word) describes my life is “Happy” by Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins.  I cannot tell people this, though, because those who have not heard it will assume that I am simply extremely content and will not educate themselves any further, and that is not what the song is about.  I am constantly misunderstood in the most dangerous ways.

2.  I used to tell people you were my best friend in Lewisburg as an enthusiastic exaggeration because I would not have considered anyone in Lewisburg to be a best friend, much less you, my ethical opposite.  Now when I tell people you are my best friend in Lewisburg, it is the full truth and I love you for it.

3.  I know you probably want me to quit bugging you with all this attachment shit I’m going through right now, my feelings towards you, et cetera, but I think I’ve been complicating matters because I genuinely care so so much about you and I wish we were both older or closer or more mature and I think that things could have worked out better if we were given so much as a fighting chance, which we weren’t, ever.  Some people would probably say that it was not meant to be.  Fuck them.  You might think I’m being sappy, which I am, but I’m also being completely honest because I’m afraid that if I don’t get this out now, while everything’s just ripe enough, then you will either not care or you will think I am being an annoying cunt, and that would kill me.  And I know you’ll be unresponsive to this message so that we won’t become entangled in any way, but at least I did what I had to.

4.  When I moved here, I considered being the resident lonely unlikely slut, but upon thinking about it, I didn’t really feel like doing all that networking.

5.  I cannot picture myself being absolutely fluent in French, and I cannot picture who I want to be.

6.  I think I’m so afraid of growing old that I won’t let myself grow up.

12 August, 2008, 446 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I hate going to the doctor’s office!  You don’t even know!  And it’s not even because of getting shots or having blood drawn.  I just hate getting weighed.  It makes me feel gross just thinking about it.  And over the past few days, I haven’t even been eating shit.  I’ve been eating loads of fruits and vegetables and beans and very vegan items, and I still weigh more than I normally do.

In fact, I have kept it a pretty fucking dandy secret from everyone that I have been trying the cold turkey/cold tofu whatever three-week method to veganism since August 8th, and it’s great.  I mean, not only do I not feel completely bloated all the time from eating all this over-processed food, but I am full and I am quite content with what I’m eating.  Today specifically, I probably did have a little too much junk, actually.  But I’m firm in my decision.

I just cannot tell my mother because she will flip a shit.  Maybe I could make a slideshow on the benefits of veganism to convince her that this is okay.  Actually, yeah,  I’ll commence with that today.

12 August, 2008, 1246 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I am already packing. In actuality, I should already be packed, but I figure that I am bringing stuff I use all the time, so it’s okay if I’m not packed yet.

Right now, I am a baby-faced little girl getting ready to go off and live with strangers and it scares me. On Thursday, I’ll leave Lewisburg, and that scares me. I consider how I came to choose Richmond over anywhere else, because I went back on my word of not going to college in the south, especially not in Richmond. And I thought I wanted to go to a tiny liberal arts school, and here I am going to the largest school in the state of Virginia. No matter how much I rack my brain, I can’t remember how I came to this decision.

I do feel pretty ready now, aside from the fact that I don’t have that essential computer. The only reasons I wouldn’t feel ready are superficial ones. As in, I don’t feel that I look old enough to go to college, and I have a hidden fear that people will look down on me for not blending in with the upperclassmen immediately. After all, this year, I was the girl who somehow mistakenly obtained a senior class t-shirt as a freshman. Yeah, I heard about that.

What I am not ready for is adjusting back to the way I was in Richmond. This would include obsessive hair-straightening, makeup-slathering, leg-shaving, and self-consciousness. Actually, fuck that. I refuse to adjust, and I also refuse to look shitty in comparison.

Oh, other things to make me feel weird about everything.

One, Travis is on his man-period and claims that if he gets fleas, then he will sue me.  The reason he would get fleas?  Well, long story short, we have two kittens and they have many fleas.  Also, I know that Travis only presses CTRL + F and then types in “Travis” whenever he reads this old thang.  So.  I had to name-drop.

Two, Ali is in California, living and breathing new air and so the fact that I cannot see her again before I leave is devastating, although it’s excellent to know that she’s enjoying the west coast.  She’s taken the form of everything I have needed over the past few months.  A non-lame cheerleader to push me beyond my self-imposed limits (no, I did not even consider it a realistic goal to say two words to this one particular fellow, and here we went and pestered him for a good fifteen minutes).  She led me gently into new situations and only pushed me when I needed her to (talk about an unintentionally sexual sentence).  A fellow sensitive thinker–one rough night, we cried about the state of the world and society and how full of shit everyone is, as though these things were deep, entirely tangible and painful gashes in our meaningless bodies.  Who else will cry with me about the state of the world and society and be so sincere about it all?  But I don’t know that she knows how much of a teacher she’s been, or how important it is that she’s a close friend and also someone with a rather specific and urgent lesson plan.

Three, I can tell that Phelan has washed his hands of any sort of attachment, and good for him.  It’s the painless route, especially considering that he has noooo idea when he’ll see me again.  Me, on the other hand, it’s never that easy, and I can’t help but feel a sharp sadness at the fact that I’m kind of playing a one-person game of Tug of War or Twister or Candyland or you know.  Whatever.  Game of your choice.  I’ve lost someone, and it’s leaving a significant gap in my life.  I can’t mull my feelings over with anyone except myself because I’m certain that in this situation, I’m the only one who could understand.  We never talked about feelings, and I couldn’t explain everything to anyone else.  I can talk to myself, but it won’t get anything sorted out.  I don’t exactly know what I’m dealing with here.  I mean, there’s a good amount of despair, but also this strangely comforting warmth that I always get when I’m free.

So I’d like you-guyses thoughts on age differences in relationships.  Older, younger, rules you generally abide by, what?