INDIEchouette


I LOVE YOU, INDIVIDUALLY
5 October, 2009, 926 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I want to hear from my readers today.  Tell me anything.  Ask me anything.  Give me advice.  Ask for advice.  I’ll do my best to respond thoughtfully.  Later today, I’m going to post a mass music post and stuff, so get ready.

PS  If you get the memo late, like if you read this a week or a month or three years late, you can still tell me anything or ask me anything.  And I’ll still try to respond thoughtfully.


51 Comments so far
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Hey! So, my lady friend and I recently parted for a week or so after a few months of dating. Now, this would have been ok, but it was the week before homecoming. Seeing as it was my last year of high school, I kind of wanted to go. However, out of depression I stayed home. But HAZAH! This occurrence led to something amazing. I hope you have seen this, but I watch (500) Days of Summer that night. The only word I can use to describe it was SUPREME! (I know you enjoy that word). It changed my life, because, to get over Summer, the protagonist was told to point out all the bad things. I began to do this with my semi-ex. The film also made me love The Smiths more. Well, after that horribly sad weekend I woke up on a grey not today. As I ate my breakfast alone, my mother went to work and my father was asleep, I listened to The Cure and thought how I wanted to stop breathing. Turns out Sara (semi-ex) left a diary on my car windshield. It contained a note saying how badly she missed me. How sweet right? Along with the sweetness of spontaneous actions, she hand made the cover. Said cover was indescribable, supreme falls short drastically. That was my day, how was yours?

Comment by chasetherainbow3

PS: “My Love” by JJ is amazing. -Chris.

Comment by chasetherainbow3

I already wanted to see (500) Days of Summer because Zooey Deschanel is a goddess in my super-secret handmade religion, but now that you’ve mentioned it and recommended it so strongly (and as SUPREME, no less!), I must see it someday this week. One of the things that pointed me towards the Smiths was this book called “How Soon Is Never?” which I recommend, just because it’s so grounded in music culture. The guy who penned it writes for Spin magazine.

I like this line of your comment, as it is so poetic and true to life: As I ate my breakfast alone, my mother went to work and my father was asleep, I listened to The Cure and thought how I wanted to stop breathing.

And it’s incredible that Sara spontaneously picked one of the worst days to do something so completely charming! It seems like such a random act of kindness, but even better because of the risk she took in approaching your turf with a chance of being caught in the act. Plus, it seems like an unforgettable action, but perhaps it’s augmented, even, by the fact that your day was pretty grey before finding the diary of utmost gorgeous indescribability and the note. I’m ecstatic that your day had such a turn for the better. Hearing something like that warms my heart, for real, supremely.

Today, I woke up with a head cold (mayyybe H1N1?) and decided to stay home from my French Culture class. I ate a whole lot of Muesli with soymilk, just because it’s a new love of mine, and then I curled up in bed for most of the day and read most of Milan Kundera’s Slowness. It feels so amazing whenever I’m reading one of his novels, because I can so deeply relate to the human condition of his characters. You have to love them all for some reason, but there’s something you despise in all of them, too, save for Tereza and Karenin from The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Nobody’s really a bad guy because everyone has some perhaps pitiable aspect, and nobody is really legitimately powerful.

After reading most of it, I went to sleep for a while and had a texting session with my close friend, Ali, who lives in my hometown. She alerted me that she and the French foreign exchange student at the high school are visiting me this weekend, which means that I get to give them a tour of the best of Richmond and that I get to practice French this weekend, which is premium.

Being sick makes me miss my mom and my sisters, mainly because my mom grew hands-off whenever I got sick in my teenaged years and wouldn’t let me stay home for a cold, and because my sisters would disappear during my sick days. Haha. I think I should have gone to class today, but whatever. All I can do is keep up with the work!

Comment by indiechouette

PS Ahh, that’s such a great song!

Comment by indiechouette

You once spoke of an analogie comparing Jenny Lewis and Conor Oberst to mother and father of something. Well, my memory fails me this time, but no matter, where does Ben Gibbard fit into your pretty little puzzle? (This is the first of many questions) It’s strange to think that the musical leaders I idolize are aging. (CONOR’S ALMOST THIRTY!!!!!!)

I did not intend for any of that to be poetic, but I guess that’s why it retains the richness. Some words can be said in the most mundane way, and carry so far. Pure descriptions.

Have you seen “Everything Is Illuminated”: The Film?

Oh, Sara, so complex. I am, in fact, seventeen and she is nineteen. (I draw many comparisons to you and her. French, music, college [Ha], writing, and you carry a certain feel throughout your writings, as does Sara). That was a grand gesture, but she has done many things like that. I have my walls covered in little drawings of hers. Myself, being a musician, write and play her little acoustic songs.

One thing I thoroughly enjoy about reading your posts/replies is the extensive references to novels in which I should, and must read.

As a vegan (Oh, how I envy you), do you like Rice Milk?

I’m sorry to hear about your illness, but I doubt it’s H1N1. Did you hear about U of I (Illinois)? I’m not sure of these facts, but a majority of students are said to catch in the near future.

Beirut is SUPREME!

I wish we had French students, or class for that matter, at my school. We have kept a solid tradition of German exchange students. Boo, right?

HaHa. Now you’re a college student, you control your sick days. You don’t come off as a poor student, poor daughter (R-R-Rilo Kiley!), or a poor person. You are, in fact, premium people.

Have you heard the Bright Eyes news?

Today: I’ll skip the school portion. I went to the doctors office today for my back issues and got some bad news. Let me tell you the process in which I received said bad news. My back/Neck/ Head has been hurting for a while now, and I decided to finally go get it checked out. Ugh. I had to get a blood test (I hate needles) and a X-Ray. In short, the doctor thinks I either have early arthritis or just muscle issues. Great, right? OK, that was scattered, sorry. I’m sure you get the point.

Comment by chasetherainbow3

How you have been in general terms is my firstly what im wondering. Second, what was a recent refreshing connection you’ve had with someone that is worth sharing AND THIRDLY has there been any worthy descriptions of an intimate experience…..??

Comment by Nicole

You are so incredibly thoughtful, kind, savy and wise. You’ve mentioned several times this idea of being “second best” or “second rate”. If this is the treatment you have been receiving that is ABSURD because you deserve the literally the best. Your Blog has shaped my youth as a whole, I am so thankful to have people liek you in this world and am ECSTATIC that you share your thoughts virtually. I love who you are, as should the rest of the world.

Comment by Lena

Chris:
Ben Gibbard, I guess would have to be an uncle on Jenny’s side of the family, like her brother or something. By marriage, I guess, to Zooey Deschanel, who would be comparable to her sister…or maybe even her daughter? I’ll have to think this one out carefully, because obviously he’s GOT to be part of the family.

I have seen Everything Is Illuminated: The Film! It was strangely beautiful, even though it’s incomparable to the book. Just so that I don’t get disappointed, I like to think of it as an entirely separate entity from the novel. Obviously, Jonathan Safran Foer makes it extremely difficult, if not impossible, for his novels to be effectively converted into films, just because of his unconventional writing style. Multiple plot lines that coincide not at one climactic point, but at many small, barely-noticeable points that no filmmaker could really do justice to.

I’m honored at being compared to Sara! And apparently not just randomly, either.

I looooooooove rice milk! I like plain rice milk okay, but I am madly in love with vanilla rice milk. Rice milk is so much sweeter than soymilk, and I think that’s why I like it. Despite all my healthy leanings, I still have a secret sweet tooth. I’d never had rice milk until last semester, though, when we got to sample some in one of my classes. And then when my buds and I road-tripped to Rhode Island this summer (and really, who takes a road trip to Rhode Island?! New York and the beach are far more probable.), one of my pals shared some vanilla rice milk with me, and it was superb!

Interesting that you don’t even have French class at your school! When I was at high school in Richmond, we only really had strong Spanish and French classes (and the Spanish program was infinitely better than the French one), plus some Latin and Japanese classes. But in Pennsylvania, while Spanish is a stronger program, German beats out French for number of students taking it and I guess also usefulness (so we can talk to the Pennsylvania-Dutch or something). But I’m dying to meet this exchange student, Alix, partially because Ali has talked her up so much, and partially because she’s the first teenaged native French speaker I will ever meet.

I have not heard the Bright Eyes news, unless it is about Monsters of Folk! But I selfishly hope that it is that Conor Oberst is going to go back to his older stylings, like Lifted and whatnot.

I love Beirut! Someday, I vow to see him in concert. Perhaps in France. And perhaps I will cart you, Sara, and Lena along with me and a whole troupe of other people who I would like to see Beirut with.

And I hope the doctor was mistaken and that you do not have early arthritis or muscle issues, and gives you a good apology in the form of the best massage you’ve ever received, which miraculously cures things. But I guess that sounds hopelessly idealistic, haha.

Comment by indiechouette

Nicole:
Firstly, I have been generally far more lively than I have been since I first moved to Richmond twelve years ago, probably mainly because I’m finally, after all this time of stubbornness and bad impressions, falling in love with this city. For the first twelve years, I lived in the suburbs, where there isn’t much to love, and last semester when I first moved to the actual urban city-parts, I was too wrapped up in being a good freshman to really explore (plus, I was too far away from main campus to care to do any of that). But now, I have a real live guide to Richmond who shows me all these cool restaurants and venues and hidden parks and magazines–like Brick and RVA Mag (which you could read online at rvamag.com, I think, if you wanted to). So yeah, I am mostly glowing because I’m finally in love with this city.

I’ve had a few recent refreshing connections! I guess one of the most prominent ones is in my English class. First day of class, this guy sitting behind me kept asking the teacher smart-alecky and situationally inappropriate questions, which made me heave many exhasperated sighs. Haha. So when he sat next to me once, it implied that he wanted to workshop with me in class, which caused me to heave more sighs. But upon reading his papers, I discovered that he could actually write far better than most college students I’ve met. And then upon getting to know him more, I found that he likes Elliott Smith, that he’s quite empathetic, and he kind of strikes me as an eccentric movie character. He’s not much like me on the surface level, but we’re both depressed and he has proven to be competent of deep introspection. So I’m a judgmental asshole, haha, but I’m glad that I’ve been proven wrong.

Hmm, intimate experience. Let’s see…I can, off the top of my head, think of two. Maybe three.

Chronologically. I was hanging out with my newly extremely close friend, Kelsey, and her boyfriend, Michael, at my house the night before they were going to leave for the beach. We were chatting and maybe watching YouTube videos and then it came time for them to both leave because they had to be up early the next morning. So we stood awkwardly talking and talking in my front yard by their car, and it sort of felt like the moment of awkward tension in any movie. But we weren’t about to make out or anything. We were just going to hug each other goodbye for a very long time. I both love and regret that awkward hesitation, so next time I am going to envelope her as tightly as possible!

Another intimate moment was in August after a miniature argument with my close friend, Ali, at my apartment while Ali, Carol, and Jonathan were visiting. I was getting tense because I am nonconfrontational, plus I felt that I was making a total ass out of myself in front of Jonathan. He tried to change the subject, but I felt that in his subject change, he was siding with Ali (the argument was over pet ownership and Jonathan’s new subject was how wolves make great pets). So I decided to “go to bed” aka cry even though I knew that would help nothing. Eventually, he came into the room and encountered me, walking to the bathroom with a puffy face. So after asking me if I was okay and getting my reply of “Nothing,” he dropped it but I evenutally told him and instead of grabbing my face and licking it up and down or telling me that he loves me even though I’m wrong, he told me that he saw where I was coming from, and that I was offering an existential argument whereas my dear friend Ali was offering a personal one, so we were arguing sort of on different planes entirely. It meant a lot to me that he offered comforting words instead of trying to expel my grief with actions.

For the third one, I have many instances from which I can draw. I will draw on the most innocent and possibly my favourite one. There is someone who, in the middle of an extremely thoughtful face, will dive in and peck my face unexpectedly many times with his or her hands clasped behind his or her own back. And it’s the most sincere thing ever, because after accomplishing this feat, this person’s face retains a sense of unchallenged pride. It’s incredible!

Of course, I would deliver you less tame intimate experiences, haha. I’ve begun to fear that perhaps my littlest sister reads this blog. :)

I’d be curious to hear your responses to your own questions!

Comment by indiechouette

Oh yeah, and Nicole, I would bring you to that hypothetical Beirut concert in Paris, too.

Comment by indiechouette

Lena:
I’m relieved every time I see one of your comments. This is how it must feel to be an employee of a really chill coffee shop and to recognize regular patrons. You are a regular, and I love you for it.

I also love you for being genuine, and for being one of the people who makes me feel first-rate. Every time I write about being down or second-rate, you’re one of the people who come back and seem to say, “No you’re not, silly!” with a big, all-inclusive smile. And I’m ecstatic that I’ve been able to give you something with my writing.

Comment by indiechouette

I made some audible Lolz after that last one…
You also have a certain wit that is extremely hard to achieve
SO BASICALLY WAHT IM TRYING TO SAY is that your perfect in every way and your bog is TRULY my salvation.

Comment by Lena

ALSO,
I’m currently ripping the hair out of my head because i am so excited for the music post, your such a genius.

Comment by Lena

where did you go?

Comment by soonerorlater

I just saw that all of your last.FM recently played tracks were Dirty Projectors.

How did you hear of them, and what do you think?!

Comment by blatantproof

soonerorlater:
I was around. Just invisible. I also decided that there were certain things that I didn’t need to hold onto anymore, like my absolute fear of losing my own virginity, my lack of commitment to a good novel that has everything to offer, and something blocking my desire to cook and bake by myself (and I guess I also retreived a vegan cooking/baking partner). But nothing about me has changed.

Comment by indiechouette

blatantproof:
I totally snatched the Dirty Projectors from you and your blog! They’ve grown on me an awful lot since you first posted, and they’re my favorite to clean my room to. Plus, I’m in love with their contribution to Dark Was The Night!

Comment by indiechouette

TOKIO HOTEL’S NEW CD IS AMAZING.

and i held hands with that guy last night again…and i just wish he’d fucking say something.

Comment by divya

What do you dream of?

Also, I’m trying to find excellent classic female authors, and I find myself at a loss. Any suggestions?

Comment by Dorian Gray

Do you think it is possible to achieve 100% understanding of another human being? Is it desirable to do so?

Comment by jinxyte

Dorian Gray:
I dream every night, rather vividly. Most nights, I have dreams involving acquaintances. Sometimes, I have erotic dreams. I have recurring dreams about the beach, my old home, the apocalypse, and shopping malls. Sometimes, these are nightmares. Occasionally, I dream about having confrontations with my father, or with people I find inaccessible, and I’ve been told that I call out during these dreams. And sometimes I try to scream during dreams, but instead mumble quietly and then wake up in sleep paralysis and have to call out again and again to wake myself fully.

I think the best dreams are the apocalyptic ones, not because they’re particularly frightening (the beach ones are far more frightening), but because in them, I am allowed to get close to people, hug them, and tell them that I love them. Even strangers. And they won’t be so skeptical or creeped out by my forwardness.

Also, as for classic female authors, hmm. Charlotte and Emily Bronte are quite enjoyable at times. I hear talk Jane Austen is awesome, too, and I plan to read some of her work. I can recommend modern female authors, though, like Miranda July, Inga Muscio, and even Margaret Atwood. You know, I just realized that I’m also at a loss for classic or modern female authors that I love. I need to change this.

Comment by indiechouette

jinxyte:
You know, I’ve thought about this before, too, quite a lot, but not recently. I guess it normally comes up when I think of my littlest sister. I love her so much, but when I think about it, I hardly know what she’s like. I try to figure out, but she can’t put herself into words. And it’s really scary, because she’s growing up so quickly–she’s already a teenager, forming into a young adult!

In my unexpert opinion, it’s impossible to understand another person fully, 100%, but that doesn’t mean that the effort to understand is futile, or even undesirable. Even 1% understanding is some sort of compassion or empathy, or companionship (whether appreciated by either party or not). In order to understand a person so fully, you’d have to understand all of her experiences (for the purposes of relating these past experiences to new ones and present ones), all of her interactions with people, and, most difficult of all, her thoughts. And there are so many thoughts!

Some of what gets in the way of this 100% understanding is the self, and how the self relates to the experiences of this other person. So your own opinions and experiences get in the way.

One thing you can have a firm handle on is how you, another, perceive the person you are trying to understand.

But I still assert that wanting 100% understanding of another human being is completely desirable, because why wouldn’t you want someone to keep you company throughout this entire existence, someone who you understand? Though there is the possibility that you will come to gain a great understanding of someone who doesn’t understand you very much at all, or who does not want to understand you at all.

Comment by indiechouette

How do you arrange your books?

Comment by Kate

Kate:
Right now, I have five shelves to my bookshelf.

The bottom shelf has reference books (dictionaries, MLA handbooks) and computer games on it.

The second shelf from the bottom has books I’ve borrowed from people (of which I have a lot). It also has art-related books.

The middle shelf contains novels and books of poems that I’ve been meaning to read but haven’t gotten around to reading yet.

The second-to-top shelf contains novels that I’ve largely already read.

The top shelf has a bunch of classics, some that I’ve already read and some that I haven’t read yet.

And my magazines are on a shelf in my desk, and my textbooks and school-oriented notebooks are currently all over the floor.

I’ve thought about alphabetizing my books, though.

Comment by indiechouette

Hi. I hope you don’t think it is creepy or something that I read your blog. I always feel a little weird. Like I am reading your diary or something. Before we were friends it was okay, it was secret, But now that we are friends I feel like i am spying on your or something. ANYWAYS. I just wanted to say that I cried the whole car ride home that night. I cried for many reasons. Firstly, because I was losing someone I loved very much and that I has just gotten to know. I cried because I regretted that I didn’t become friends with you sooner. Life would have been so different. I cried because I never do what I want to do when I am nervous. I don’t know why I was nervous. I guess I was mostly nervous because I was afraid you didn’t like me anymore, that you found me to be boring. I remember that night we just sat on your couch, quietly looking through post secrets you saved and other delightful pictures. I like quiet times. I liked just sitting next to you and feeling your warmth. But I was afraid that you thought me to be dull. So I guess that is why I was nervous about the hug. I had pictured it in my head a lot. We would run into each other’s arms and I would scoop you up into me and give you kisses on your cheeks. I didn’t do that though. I was just awkward like I tend to be. So I cried. I cried because I wish for once I would just do the things I want to do. I regret it so much. I am sorry. I miss you so much. I got a haircut.

Comment by Kelsey Dittmar

ALSO! We should swap our latest music obsessions at some point.

Comment by Kelsey Dittmar

Kelsey, when I see you next, whether it’s over Thanksgiving break or winter break, we will do a super-dramatic reuniting hug, with a running start, with much scooping up into each other and much kissing of cheeks. I miss you, too, and I wonder how your hair looks, and I think of you literally seriously every day and hope that you have good dreams every night. I still intend to send you a package, but it needs to include more and more things all the time! So I think I’ll just send you new packages every time I collect something new to send you.

Comment by indiechouette

You can see my haircut! I changed my profile picture!
Also just because I can’t wait any longer…some of my current obsessions are……..Lightning Dust
Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
Taken By Trees
The Mumlers
I will save my more obscure obsessions for later. I promise I will compile them physically on a nifty mix cd!!!!! I too have lots of things to send you. I think I shall start actually sending them. I think about you everyday too. I hope you are having a grand time and that your dreams are beautiful.

Comment by Kelsey Dittmar

Have you read “The Stranger” by Camus?

Comment by chasetherainbow3

Kelsey:
You know fo sho that I’m going to look up your revealed musical obsessions today and listen to them all day and fall in love with them. So I’m glad you kept some a secret!

My latest obsessions are Yeasayer, jj, Islands, and Dirty Projectors. I be sew hip. I’m super-excited that I haven’t heard of any of yours! I will make a mix for you too!

Comment by indiechouette

chasetherainbow3:
I have indeed read The Stranger! In fact, I’m using it as a source on this paper I’m writing on existentialism (for one of my classes). I loved, even though I began to loathe Meursault at a certain point (within the first five or so pages). Also, I’m reading Camus’ The Myth of Sisyphus and Other Essays right now, which is an argument that suicide is not legitimate because despite the lack of reason behind everything, life is still worth living.

Comment by indiechouette

I prefer Chris. But, I’m actually using it for my literary analysis. The last two pages are intense.

Comment by chasetherainbow3

Chris:
I agree! And I like the way the plotline builds up and then spins out of control completely, and only when Meursault is in prison and knows that he’s going to die do things calm down. And then Camus delivers his philosophy nicely near the end there. How do you like the novel? And have you read any other existential literature?

Comment by indiechouette

Eeeee! yay! I love listening to new things. I can’t wait to receive a mix c.d. from yew! You will have to tell me if you like any of those artist’s mewsic! Also! I see that you have listened to Shugo Tokumaro! I just got some of his music! Do you like it? The instrumentation is ethereal. Like at some points I feel like I am in a Japanese folk tale or something but not completely. I’m jut a weirdo.

Comment by Kelsey

I liked it. Like I said, the last two pages were pretty amazing. I have not, but I was at Barnes ‘n Noble (Virginia may not have these), and looked at Balzaac, Rouseau (Politics, and a little Hemingway. I didn’t have any money, but I wrote the titles down for a library request. I am actually lucky in the book area. My father is on the library board, and I have ‘hook ups’. I saw “Whip It” today. The highlight of tonight (last night, was I was given a free t-shirt. How nice.

Comment by chasetherainbow3

today is the one week anniversary of my first (and definitely last) public drunken blackout. i came out of it with a black eye and no memory of the hours of 11-4 am. for fear of making the eye worse i have tried to hold off of sneezing the entire week. i just sneezed. i made it! cool blog :)

Comment by BenRobot

Two weeks ago, I went to a family friends party, and met a girl that changed my life. She lives a long way away, and I miss her a lot. Whenever I talk to her, I feel that I’m talking at her, she doesn’t seem to care. She did however, tell me that she misses me, and that I’m amazing. She hasn’t said that since, and she doesn’t speak to me all that much either, should I trust her, and believe what she said, or do you think that she was just being nice toward me? I understand that I havn’t wrote much here, and you have very little to judge by, but I trust you to make a pretty good analysis.

On another note, I’m constantly depressed. I walk around college everyday, and feel like dropping dead. I hate the people there, every single one of them, even the ones I call my friends. I just don’t know what to do, I feel lost.

Comment by Simon

Transfer.

Comment by blatantproof

I’m going to join in on the fun, I think.

I have decided to tell you slash ask you random things.

1. I cannot wait for this music. I love your unique taste, where do you even find all of this stuff? I follow random blogs, but honestly I have yet to find someone with a musical taste that so correctly matches mine like yours does.

2. Are you happy? I have found most recently after my own hesitations on the subject that although I can only make myself happy, surrounding myself with people that fully appreciate me surely does help. And this might sound cliche, but the more sure of myself I am, and the more sure I am of what I want from life and what I want from myself the happier I am. I believe you to be an incredibly intelligent person, and although I completely agree with some of your insecurities (because who doesn’t have them from time to time?) I wish that you felt prouder of your goals and beliefs. Because they are extremely valid, whether you feel them to be or not.

3. I appreciate your honesty, more than you probably know. I believe that to be why most people read what you have to say, honesty is a hard thing to come by nowadays.

4. You might have said this in a past post, so forgive me for my ignorance, but what is your major? I believe you should be a writer. You write more eloquently than most.

5. Not only do I enjoy your taste in music, but I agree with you quite frequently on your outlook on life, your choices in literature and just your opinions in general. I just wanted to tell you really that you rock.

That is all for now, sorry for the rambling, I have a tendency to do that.

Comment by Katie

hey. :)
just stumbled here but i had a look around and i really like what you’re doing. great music (rilo kiley..) and writing. oh.. tu parles français?
take care.

Comment by julie

What makes you want to answer these questions, or even any question someone asks you?

Comment by Colourkid

FINALLY STARTED BLOGGING AGAIN!! in french, no less.

Comment by bringerofjollity

He smoked marlboros and I cried as we said goodbye in an empty parking lot.
Today is Thanksgiving.
I’ll always be thankful for him.

Comment by Liz

I miss your thoughts.

Comment by Biffsker

I need to tell someone a secret. I really love your blog, although this is the first time I’ve commented, and you appear to be a very understanding and accesible person. So I’m going to tell you.

I’m in love with my friend. It is unrequited and completely overwhelming. Because She is a same-sex friend and part of our friendship cirlce, it feels impossible to talk to any of my friends about it, which is an incredibly lonely feeling. I’ve only told one person; my oldest friend who I rarely see.
About a month ago, She did something very hurtful. We’ve talked about it since. Intense conversations where she revealed that she felt iadequate for me and wanted to be like me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what she meant to me. We’re still friends but now there’s a distance between us.
I still want her, in spite of how She hurt me, and I miss how close we used to be. I don’t feel like our bond will ever be as strong as it was, and I’m left with this huge sense of loss. I don’t know how to fix this.
I’m also a different person to who I was when I met her. I no longer have much optimism, or a sunny disposition. I’m trying so hard to remember how much beauty there is in everything. And I miss who I was so much.

I just needed to tell someone that.

I’ve been listening to this song a lot. I think you’ll like it.

Comment by Nim

I love your secret in all its heartbreaking warmth. I obviously can’t relate to your exact situation, but I’ve been fond of explicitly platonic male friends in my social circle, and occasionally even more fond of even more explicitly platonic female friends within the same circle. And it sucks when you can’t talk about that fondness or love because you’ve heard your friends weirding out on lesbianism. Like, “Ooh, she’s going to like me next.” Or, “I don’t know if I can trust her at sleepovers anymore!” Of course, my friends are loving, progressive people and these comments are never serious ones, but they’re still sort of a smack in the face.

And as if refraining from talking about it would make these feelings retreat. It only magnifies them, because then it’s nearly impossible to get sick of them.

Also, that video and song are lovely. I plan to listen to it as much as possible to get me through exam weekend, and you can bet I’ll write something about it.

Comment by indiechouette

I miss your posts, can you write soon?

please

Comment by Alex

Paige, please come back? Please?

Comment by blatantproof

Please Paige

Comment by Jeff

we need you

Comment by Conor

Where you go? D:

Comment by Biffsker




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