INDIEchouette


THE MOST EVIDENT UTENSIL IS NONE OTHER THAN A PENCIL
7 July, 2009, 122 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Lexapro is helping, but right now, I’m so depressed.  I can see right now where depression can be anger turned inward, though most of the time for me, it is not.

To begin with, for most of my summer, I have been the less attractive sidekick.  It doesn’t matter whether this is true or not, because it’s true to me.  My looks are plain.  My personality is hidden under layers and layers of cautiousness.  Layers of wondering if it’s okay to reveal this or that, to say this or that.  Will they think I’m weird?  Will I be able to explain myself or cover it up?  Is this universal?  Everyone who encounters us has to go on looks alone first, personalities second.  In looks, I come in second.  In personality, I default in second because it seems like I have none.  So yes, I’m sick of being number two.  Paige 2, the second best-looking, the one you know second-best, the one you go to second, the one you settle for because you can’t get the one you really want.  Know why?  Because in my friends, I don’t settle for second-best.  And in my romantic relationships, I don’t settle for second-best.  I know what I want.

And you know, if you’ve settled for me, it doesn’t even matter if I turn out to be better than you expected, or if you grow to love me more than what you wanted.  The truth is that I was number two.  I was not what you wanted.  That will taint everything.

I wonder what I would have to do to be what even one person wanted the most, and I wonder if I’d even do that.

I think this is why I’ve started picking at my scalp again.  It bleeds.  It hurts.  I pick through the pain for no real reason, except that it’s a scab.  It’s there.

One of my biggest fears is that I’m not good enough.  I try hard.  Does anyone know how difficult it is to communicate?  Even to send an IM, let alone to approach someone in person to deliver a simple “hello” or a few words’ worth of an exchange.  So when I hear the superhero talking about how she doesn’t think she’s good enough, I just think, “Where does that leave me?”  I know it’s not her intention.  But her seeing her own flaws does not make me feel better about myself.  In fact, I feel bad when anyone sees his or her own flaws.  It doesn’t make me feel awesome.

I know we are friends now.  I don’t want to give you any reason to wallow in self-pity for what you did to me the other night.  There is no reason you should be able to wallow in self-pity for me being angry with you.  I don’t want to wallow in self-pity myself, either.  It’s an absolute waste of time.  I just have no idea what I did to you to give you the signal that it was okay to say those things to me, that it was okay to attempt to invalidate our relationship, that it was okay to attempt to even slightly invalidate our friendship.  Was it an attempt to hurt me?  Is our friendship really that valueless to you, like our relationship apparently was?  Was it an attempt to hurt yourself?  Anyway, it was a selfish move, and it hurt me directly and is in turn going to hurt you because of the effect it had on me.  I have no idea what you want with being friends with me now, or if I’m even “good enough” for that.  Why did you contact me in the first place?  Did you intend for me to be number two, a replacement, and did you really think I would never find out or just not give a shit?  I knew from near the beginning, and I did give a shit.  Are you mad at me for prom?  I don’t think that’s much of a huge deal.  Are you mad at me for parties?  I didn’t ignore you; I didn’t want to cockblock you.  Are you mad at me for not making much of an attempt to hang out with you this summer despite your near-complete lack of attempts?  It just frustrates me.  Why are you doing this?  Are you sick of me?  Trying to break ties because I’m not what you wanted romantically, so I can’t even be your friend?  I think that if you knew in advance the effect it would have on me, you probably would  have held your tongue.

Oh, and by the way, your number one is an amazing person.  I’d never be able to write her off as anything less than that.  I can at the very least see why you value her, but I don’t know why you’d try to compare time spent with me to past times spent with her.  I’m a different person.  It’s like you don’t even want to give me a chance as a friend anymore.


10 Comments so far
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The first time I saw you I said to Carol that you were the most beautiful person I’d ever seen

Comment by alexandrazychhh

Aand, I went to you second because Hannah was in my phone list first.

Comment by alexandrazychhh

First off, Evident Utensil is like my favorite song by Chairlift at the moment, so kudos to referring to that!

There is such truth to “In fact, I feel bad when anyone sees his or her own flaws. It doesn’t make me feel awesome.” I think that applies to everyone I know and am friends with, just because I am friends with them for a reason, and while I know I am not as great as they are, it makes me feel worse when they put themselves down.

I guess I like to be positive, at least with other people, and think that while you are second to someone, there is always someone else who thinks of you first when it comes to something else. Sometimes, rarely, it can be the same thing that makes you second in comparison otherwise. Either way, if you realize how different you are, should it matter how one person doesn’t seem to realize that? I shouldn’t be talking, since it does matter a lot and I am sorry that it happened. *HUG*

Comment by Ke

paige oh my god i know exactly how you feel. ever since adam broke up with me for alex i’ve been wondering why the fuck i was second best to her. but the thing is that i don’t know who you’re talking about, but alex is a whore, and she was supposed to be my friend, but friends don’t go after each others boyfriends.. but i’ve felt second best. and wondered so many times WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH. but despite all this shittyness you have never once as my best friend failed to make me feel like i am brilliant and that he was an ass for doing what he did. and you know what? i know we don’t talk often just cause of distance and crap but over the past 11 years there has never been anybody i considered to be a closer friend than you. maybe that’s what happens when you grow up with someone and they know every awful thing about you, but you will always be the person i consider a mix of sister and best friend, beyond anyone else. and i am damn proud of you.

Comment by divya

First off, I feel I should say thank you. I’ve had a pretty rough day, and after stumbling upon your blog, things have picked up a little. I enjoy listening to the way you think, You seem like a very interesting person.

Whilst I’m not a Chairlift fan, I do appreciate your blog very much, 99% of the music on here is fantastic, and I really think you deserve some kind of recognition for what you’ve done here. The effort you’ve put into writing this blog, it’s amazing.

I’m listening to a couple of songs from your blog now, and enjoying every one.

So what I’m really trying to say is, Well done, you’ve basically achived something I’ve always wanted to do.

Comment by Simon

Simon, you have made me feel warm inside. It looks so lame typed out, because I want you to know that I’m being sincere, but it’s hard to do that without smiling directly at you and actually telling you that I’m glad your day picked up even a little, and I’m sorry that you had a rough day last Thursday. But I’m glad you told me. I guess I need to pick up with the blogging again.

Oh, and I’m completely serious in saying this: I think you should start a blog. A music blog, an art blog, a writing blog, a fiction blog, a journal blog. All of the above? If you do, seriously hook me up with a link.

Comment by indiechouette

PLEASE CONTINUE WRITING…..
WE ALL DESPERATELY NEED YOU TO
I MISS YOUR ENTRIES TREMENDOUSLY

Comment by Nicole

Thank you, for replying, It means a lot that you did. I know how you feel about internet comments, they can never be as acurate as real emotions and speech, having said that, I do hope that I made myself perfectly clear.

I’d like it very much if you continued to write, as for me, I really don’t know if anybody would be interested in anything I have to say. I wouldn’t have any idea where to start.

I do hope your day is going well
-Simon

Comment by Simon

and Happy Birthday!

Comment by Simon

Hello.

I have commented on your blog in the past and I just felt an urge to respond to this post even though you wrote it awhile ago. You see, my computer crashed in July and I lost everything, including the bookmark to your blog. I forgot the name of it, and have been attempting to find it ever since, googling the topics I know you addressed or songs I know you posted. I finally found it today, and I wanted to say something to you.

I do not know you, obviously, but I respect you and admire you for being so honest and for being so eloquent in your writing. I can completely sympathize how you were feeling in this post, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. I am also on Lexapro, and have been for almost a year now, and it’s scary. I know I especially get scared when I feel depressed still, in fear that this is just who I am, it’s how I’m meant to be, medication or not. As time has passed, I have tried harder to just live and let things go. I know that’s easier said than done, I still struggle with obtaining some degree of happiness on certain days, but I just want to let you know that you’re not alone. I don’t have words of wisdom or some great degree of advice, just, you’re not alone. It will be okay.

And thank you, again, for all that you post. You really do affect others with what you have to say.

Comment by Katie




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