11 June, 2009, 323 pm
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I’ve got depression.

Who didn’t see this coming?

I didn’t.  I thought I just had a problem with anxiety, and that this is just how I am.  Or that it was an existential crisis.  Well, it is how I am and it’s a problem.  And it’s not just anxiety.  It’s depression.  The discovery was sudden and unexpected.  I had thought that my problems were just petty angst, and that I would grow out of it, and that no this is not depression; I’m just depressed for a spell.  When physical symptoms began to manifest themselves, I found that I was wrong.

It seems like I have many close friends who are bipolar.  So I can understand part of them, and they can understand me quite well.  I feel like this isn’t enough.  I feel inadequate.  They can support me, but it’s because my problem is petty and common and dull.  For me, it’s the same every day.  I’m depressed.  It’s unipolar.  I can’t support them, because their problem is complex.

There are so many books, memoirs, personal accounts of manic depressive disorder.  I want a memoir of someone who is coping with depression so I can feel maybe a little bit less alone.  I’m reading a memoir of a woman who has dealt for decades with manic depressive disorder.  It’s intriguing, but it’s not me.

I can see why I can’t find many (any?) memoirs about depression though, because it’s so common and because it would be one boring book.  When it’s really bad, I will am on the couch for hours and days at a time, not really wanting to eat anything, not really wanting to do anything.  I don’t want to move.  I find myself wondering when I will die and how I could die.  I am tired all day and I just want to sleep.  I don’t want to see anyone.  I just want to be by myself.  I am awake all night and I sleep all day.  Sometimes, I get the urge to run or bike hard and fast, but it’s always at an inconvenient hour.


7 Comments so far
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You are so not alone with depression and anxiety. I too suffer from depression. I hope to write a book about my experience and the things I have done to try to get through it. I have decided to start with a blog about it to see if there is any interest. My blog is on WordPress, check it out if you want. I just started it, though so there’s not much to it yet.

Comment by jlhuff

I went through a depression last year and found that the best way to get out of it is to just meet new people and add a new element to your life and something to look forward to. No matter how hard it seems to do that it will help, trust me.

Comment by Colourkid

I’ve always had periods of depression, and when I finally started going to therapy, I realized that I’ve really had about 20 YEARS of depression, not just a series of depressions. Therapy has helped an incredible amount. I avoided the drugs (though depression can be and often is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, and meds can correct that) because I have a thing about that, and so it’s been talk therapy for me. I found a therapist who has an approach that appealed to me (mindfulness focus), and it’s really worked. We’ve been able to change my thought patterns. And, I admit, biking 30 miles /day (bike commuting) has been huge. Anything that forces you to be in the moment is helpful though – yoga, gardening, biking, etc.

What I want to emphasize, and what I didn’t believe until I started to come out of the depression, is that we don’t have to be depressed, it isn’t a given in our lives. We might be people who are prone to it or more susceptible to it, but we can get help, and we can fix the physical problems and retrain our negative thought patterns. It’s not a fast process, there is no quick fix. But I do encourage you to look for a therapist. I wish I hadn’t waited until I was in my early 30’s to do so; it obviously has a huge impact on our lives, and the longer you live with it without getting help, the more entrenched the thought patterns are.

A book that might interest you, if mindfulness (the buddhist concept) appeals to you, is “the mindful way through depression”.

If you ever want to talk, or want to ask questions, just email me. You’re not alone, believe me. :)

Comment by Deb

You are such an inspiration. I only hope I can ever be as eloquent and smart and insightful…i could go on and on, and would, if I didnt have about thirty seconds of battery left on my computer. So, Thank you. So much!

Comment by Jamie

Darkness Visible by William Styron. Short, heavy, and a tremendous insight from a great writer.

Comment by Joseph


Je suis désolée que vous soyez triste. Je suis une mélancolique aussi. En part, je pense que la mélancholie est nécessaire pour les artistes. C’est une parte de l’entière. D’autre part, c’est possible que plusiers des symptôms peuvent être expliqué naturalement.

Au cause de je déteste les antidépresseurs, je recherchais un remède ou une explication naturale. J’étudiais le corps et le système endocrine, cherchant pour une raison pour ma fatigue et léthargie. Si un niveau d’une hormone essentiale est trop bas ou trop élevé, ce peut causer la fatigue et la tristesse.

Si vous avez l’insurance de santé à VCU, vous devons faire les niveaux de vos hormones, incluyant ceux de le thyroid (T3 et T4 et les antibodies), et votre testosterone aussi.

Je lis “Nutrition and the Mind” par Gary Null, et je vous le recommande. C’est très interessant.

Et ce roman aussi, par Muriel Barbery:

Bien amicalement,


Comment by D

i love you. i’m sorry…but i think i understand more than you’d originally think i could…my dad has depression, and doctors think i show signs of it developing. not sure. but i’ve also got some kind of anxiety thing…and i haven’t had any doctors really look at it but they’re like yeah you may have anxiety and you may be depressed but we don’t really know blah blah blah it could be your young age you could grow out of it…i don’t know. but i know it sucks.

Comment by divya

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