14 April, 2009, 214 pm
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Even as I hurtle to the end of the semester, I am just becoming a really apathetic person.  And I hate it.

I just want to sleep all the time, and when I’m not sleeping, I’m hiding my face behind something, my hand, a hood, diverted eyes, the blankets.  Or I am crying about something I can’t help and have no control over.  Some days, the anxiety is not so bad, pretty tolerable.  I mean, I can smile at myself in the mirror and think that someone could think I’m cute.  I think, I could smile at a stranger today and it would be genuine and maybe even bring them a moment of bliss.  Yeah.  I’m going to do my best schoolwork.

Other days, most days lately, the anxiety is crushing, making me wish I could be unconscious for weeks at a time.  Just so I could sleep, escape, chill out.  I don’t think about taking my own life, because I am too gentle to be able to take my own life, but I think of all the freak accidents that could happen to me.  And I think more and more that nothing matters.  I get so sick of being here, stranded, with one friend that I see every day.  The rest are scattered, not constants, so I just don’t rely on them.  What frustrates me most is that I wonder if anyone else takes everything as seriously as I do.  It seems that most people dismiss human relationships as abundant, so they are picky about them.  Well, I guess I’m also picky to a certain extent, but I see something I want in everyone.  So I try to be nice.  I try to smile.  And lately, I don’t get a smile back from really anyone.  It’s pretty lonely.

The problem is, I don’t know what to do about this.  I’ve lost my appetite, I don’t know what I’m going to do to get through the rest of today, the rest of the month.  And even when I’m home, well, yeah.  Then what?  Things aren’t going to magically change.  Maybe I’ll be able to cry more openly, but hell, I won’t even have a room of my own there.  Part of me says I need my mom.  But whenever I think that and try to get in touch with her, she doesn’t call back because it’s not urgent enough for her.

What this apathy is caused by is not my atheism, though.  It’s something separate.  After knowing people for several encounters, religion often comes up in conversation.  My atheism.  And at this point, one of two things happen.  Either an argument is spawned or discussion just stops right there.  Because me, Paige, being an atheist, is too much for some people to handle.

I don’t know why people take the argument approach, honestly.  I’m a really gentle and nonconfrontational person.  Maybe they want to beat me to it.  Maybe they assume that I’m going to attack them for their views.  Anyone who knows me on the basis of being vegan knows that I don’t play that way.  It’s just surprising how belligerent many religious people are when it comes to potentially having to defend their own religion, even against a really shy person.  I wouldn’t want to offend someone by telling them that my views are contrary to theirs, but my lifestyle is just controversial, I guess.

And as for clamming up, that just pisses me off.  I was open enough to share that I’m an atheist, and I didn’t push the matter, but just because our spiritual lives are different doesn’t mean you suddenly can’t talk to me.

6 Comments so far
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Think of all the people you do have, because at the end of the day, they could not be there. Things can be worse. However bad things look now, apathy and loneliness are escapeable. Last October I tried to kill myself, and however bad that was, I’ve gotten to a good place, and have been happy for a solid month. Be strong! And, keep think that your better than this.

Comment by chasetherainbow3

I feel like college does this to you. And I hate saying that because I (and you) want to think I’m unique, that my problem isn’t the same as anyone else’s, that I may actually be capable of feeling something different and thinking something different.

But last year, as my first year of college was winding down, I felt this way. I became depressed and critical and I just didn’t enjoy anything anymore. I became a loner who hated hanging out with her friends, and I still don’t hang out with people an awful lot – I prefer to be by myself. Before last year, I was never like that.

I am not going to tell you that you’ll change back into your old self. You probably won’t. But you’ll change, still. You’ll become a happy new you.

College opens your eyes. It’s weird, because it doesn’t happen to everyone. But I’ve noticed that it happens to those that separate themselves from their old lives a bit. Those that don’t spend every weekend with their friends from home. So you have less ties to your old life and are able to change more freely, even if you change in ways that depress and upset you.

But it’ll be okay. You’ll come into your own. You’ll have more experiences that help you. You’re in a state of change right now, and even though some people say they do, no one really likes change.

It’ll turn into a good thing though. I promise. A year from now, you’ll look back, and you won’t regret anything because it will have made you who you are, and you’ll like that person.

Comment by noshameindrifting

BTW, I don’t know if you know that this is me, Sara Day :)

Comment by noshameindrifting


Some of the books you mentioned are generally about this problem. Most notably Le Mythe de Sisyphe by Albert Camus (although it’s heavy going, not recommended if you’re feeling bored) and La nausea by Sartre. Also Beckett.

Nous lisons de maniere ne sont pas suele.

Comment by Recit du Noir

Sorry, I meant: Nous lisons de maniere ne sommes pas suele. My French has gone well rusty.

Comment by Recit du Noir

It is sad that entries like these make me want to show how much the people who write these entries mean to me and yet the most I can conjure up is a measily “*HUG*” because I am so paranoid of how I come off in real-life that I would rather write something online than actually confront them in person and deal with my own paranoia of how that person truly feels about me doing such a thing.

I’m not quite sure why you went to try to explain this as not atheism. I never saw the connection between religion and loneliness/social happiness. I know at least one person who comes off socially happy, because she can socially conform very easily and can rely on God, and yet even she gives in to any sort of attention she can get and feels the same sort of loneliness. I never really thought of religion being a big issue in conversations until you brought it up, and I am wondering if I understood the last part of this post as well as I originally thought I did.

Comment by Ke

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