Even as I hurtle to the end of the semester, I am just becoming a really apathetic person. And I hate it.
I just want to sleep all the time, and when I’m not sleeping, I’m hiding my face behind something, my hand, a hood, diverted eyes, the blankets. Or I am crying about something I can’t help and have no control over. Some days, the anxiety is not so bad, pretty tolerable. I mean, I can smile at myself in the mirror and think that someone could think I’m cute. I think, I could smile at a stranger today and it would be genuine and maybe even bring them a moment of bliss. Yeah. I’m going to do my best schoolwork.
Other days, most days lately, the anxiety is crushing, making me wish I could be unconscious for weeks at a time. Just so I could sleep, escape, chill out. I don’t think about taking my own life, because I am too gentle to be able to take my own life, but I think of all the freak accidents that could happen to me. And I think more and more that nothing matters. I get so sick of being here, stranded, with one friend that I see every day. The rest are scattered, not constants, so I just don’t rely on them. What frustrates me most is that I wonder if anyone else takes everything as seriously as I do. It seems that most people dismiss human relationships as abundant, so they are picky about them. Well, I guess I’m also picky to a certain extent, but I see something I want in everyone. So I try to be nice. I try to smile. And lately, I don’t get a smile back from really anyone. It’s pretty lonely.
The problem is, I don’t know what to do about this. I’ve lost my appetite, I don’t know what I’m going to do to get through the rest of today, the rest of the month. And even when I’m home, well, yeah. Then what? Things aren’t going to magically change. Maybe I’ll be able to cry more openly, but hell, I won’t even have a room of my own there. Part of me says I need my mom. But whenever I think that and try to get in touch with her, she doesn’t call back because it’s not urgent enough for her.
What this apathy is caused by is not my atheism, though. It’s something separate. After knowing people for several encounters, religion often comes up in conversation. My atheism. And at this point, one of two things happen. Either an argument is spawned or discussion just stops right there. Because me, Paige, being an atheist, is too much for some people to handle.
I don’t know why people take the argument approach, honestly. I’m a really gentle and nonconfrontational person. Maybe they want to beat me to it. Maybe they assume that I’m going to attack them for their views. Anyone who knows me on the basis of being vegan knows that I don’t play that way. It’s just surprising how belligerent many religious people are when it comes to potentially having to defend their own religion, even against a really shy person. I wouldn’t want to offend someone by telling them that my views are contrary to theirs, but my lifestyle is just controversial, I guess.
And as for clamming up, that just pisses me off. I was open enough to share that I’m an atheist, and I didn’t push the matter, but just because our spiritual lives are different doesn’t mean you suddenly can’t talk to me.
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