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Inga Muscio came out to VCU today.
I would have told all of you earlier, but I forgot to. Hah. Sorry.
Anyway, the talk she gave was mainly on racism and how it is basically threaded into the way we live our lives. The crowd was loving and she was professional but entirely friendly. Her readings were enthusiastic, mainly from Autobiography of a Blue-Eyed Devil. I expected more from Cunt. It was definitely not a disappointment, but instead a pleasant surprise.
If you feel like adding me on Twitter, by golly, do it. My username is paigeconnors. I care who you are and am deeply interested in you, but I won’t be selective. And if you follow me, I will follow you right back. I like to know what my readers are up to. And my friends. You guys are my friends, right?
This is a feeling update, though, more than anything. I have debated for months and years as to whether or not I should include emotions and feelings and personal confessions in my blog entries on here. For one thing, I thought it seemed downright unprofessional, especially since you don’t really know who I’m talking about if I mention people. But on the other hand, emotions are such a large part of anyone’s life, and I feel that it’s important to share them. Emotions and feelings are such a part of me! Confessions are, too. So I’m sticking to the latter conclusion.
I am alone.
I am not alone in the friends-sense. I have so many friends. I’m always gaining more friends. I love all of my friends. In fact, I love people who aren’t my friends, people who reach out to me to take care of me, people who realize what a fragile baby I am, people who smile at me, people who attempt to converse with me but realize how incompetent I am because I’m so fucking timid.
I am alone in the sense that I am not in love with anyone.
I don’t know if I’ve told you, but I’ve at least temporarily renounced love. I should clarify.
I have not given up because life has been cruel to me on the battlefield that is love. No. Not at all. Hell, life has been awesome to me in that respect. I’ve dated a lot of people, all of whom were humane and decent towards me. I got cheated on once or twice and one relationship fell apart because as it turns out, I was dating a gay guy. But none of those crushed me because I hadn’t invested a lot of romantic interest in them. Even the relationships I’ve been in that did set me back at the end were with incredible people that I’m still close with, extremely decent people who were lovely towards me. And I picked myself up, brushed the dirt off my jeans, wiped the tears from my eyes, and moved on. The worst breakup wasn’t so easy, but I’m okay now. I’m okay.
What I mean by renouncing love is that there was some point where I realized that I have the capacity to love more than one person and that it’s not realistic for me to try to confine my love to one person when I can love so many people. Of course, if I know people, I know that this will lead to vicious jealousy and possibly heartbreak. But just because I’ve invested myself in more than one person doesn’t mean I have a preference list. It just means that I appreciate many qualities that can’t all be present in just one person.
Basically, one-person love is love wearing blinders. I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that now.
Maybe I just think I can’t because I haven’t met anyone new who’s even remotely interested in me for over a year. Plus, commitment as I know it scares the shit out of me. I can’t see myself commiting to one person for years and years and years because even when I was in relationships that I wanted to be in, I often felt suffocated by hand-holding or public displays of affection. Maybe I need to be in a relationship that I want first, that I need to strive for and think about and achieve. But then I just sound like a conqueror of land or something.
It’s true, though, that women often expect the men to make things start.
What if I get a crush on a girl, though? I almost think that it would be more difficult then, because it’s hard to distinguish between regular girl-actions and flirtatious girl-actions.
Anyway, I have no relationship-influences in my life right now and it’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that I don’t want any right now.
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