18 February, 2009, 1059 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

I am just really pissed lately.  Pissed and just plain upset.

I love people but I am frustrated with their actions.  And I’ve never hated someone.  I don’t think I have the capacity to hate, actually.  At the same time, I don’t think I’ll be able to fall in love in the sense that is so often used.  It’s too constricting to love just one person, even romantically.  People tell me that I am only eighteen, so I couldn’t possibly know this for certain yet, but you’d think that I know enought of myself by now to know that I can probably not fall in love.  It’s more that I have the capacity to love so many people.  Everyone has a different personality, has different pluses and minuses.  Even two people who are subtly different are incomparable.  I couldn’t choose between them.

I don’t like living here amongst consumers galore, with capitalism-loving douchebags all around me.  I don’t like the concept that you live, you die, and nothing in between matters.  But it’s the only thing that makes sense.  I believe that I am an atheist.  And I think I’m going to start reading philosophical religious literature, because while it depresses me to no end, it also interests me greatly.

Furthermore, I so often feel lately that I’m ready to die, but conversely, I need some kind of philosophical mentor to help me drudge through this time.


5 Comments so far
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Don’t kill yourself if that’s what you mean by “feeling ready to die.” Someone at my school hung themself in one of the dorms last week and it was really upsetting, and so obviously not a solution. It just created more saddness and more problems.

Comment by jtyughk

Nah, don’t worry. I’m not suicidal. I think that in many instances, suicide creates more problems, and can be a selfish act. I mean, you leave something to be cleaned up–your body and the emotions of those who cared about you.

Comment by indiechouette

You ought to read some Rainer Maria Rilke. He’s a very fascinating poet who describes the esscence of living in amazing ways.

‘For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.’


Comment by ninecrimes

The last part of your entry is very French. Existentialist. You’ll probably fit right in there.

Not the first bit though!

I’m sure you’ve read Camus, Sartre etc. L’Nausea etc.

Comment by Dinah and the Beautiful blue

it’s almost scary how much of your thoughts echo mine. like all the time.

Comment by divya

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