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I’m a depressed/depressing individual lately. It’s not even for any specific reason. Earlier this year, I broke down because I missed my family and home-friends, but I guess now you could say I’ve hardened a little. I’m not even scared anymore. I am almost begging for someone to jump out of the bushes and grab me so I’ll have the opportunity to hit them with Catch-22 and my Virgina Book Company [sic] water bottle. It would at least give me something interesting to talk about, or something to be happy for. I lived. You know? Almost, not quite, because I’m not entirely certain how well I could defend myself. I’m thinking of taking a self-defense class. It seems the more interesting stories I acquire, the more boring I become myself. It seems that way.
And I can’t really look in the mirror anymore either. It’s not because I think I’m ugly. I just don’t like to look at myself. Then I’ll start criticizing. I’m not very attractive lately, though. My bangs are too short and my hair is being weighed down, which makes my face look weird. I’ve been thinking of getting shorter layers in my hair. I’ve also been thinking about getting my nose pierced on the left or right side (I don’t really care, but I need to think before I act), but if I can barely handle the pain of a renegade pimple inside of or on my nose, I think I’d pass out while consenting to pass a needle through the cartilige. I’m researching. Also, I’m hesistant because I don’t want a dimple on my nose if I decide to let it close up for whatever reason. I don’t see myself doing that. If I go through with it, I’ll do everything in my power to retain it. I mean, it makes me woozy just thinking about it, kind of.
Keep in mind that I’ve never even had my ears pierced.
I am also under the serious impression that maybe…if I had more control over my fluid body motions, or if I just had longer, more slender fingers, people would take me more seriously. I realize that my hand motions make me look really clumsy and unfluid. Graceless. So I’ve been trying to restrain all of these unconscious hand motions that I make. It would all look better if just kept my hands at my side, but for some reason, when I’m really passionate about whatever I’m talking about, my hands fly around and around, and I barely notice them in trying to emphasize my point. It’s only when I’m standing in front of a mirror that I realize that I am a ridiculous being.
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