At the bus stop when I heard this girl speaking fluent French on her cell phone to another apparently fluent person. Here’s how many other people I know who would be willing to have a French conversation with me on the phone because they speak some French: Two (yes you, Divya, plus Erika). Here’s the percentage regarding how many of us are fluent: Zero. I am so damn hungry for fluency. I’m ravenous. I’m a savage cannibal. rrrrrrrrrrr. That’s why I’m at college! I need to take classes and become immersed in the language. And I’m not doing what I need to because of scheduling conflicts. How fucked up is that?
I just thought that there was a way for me to inch closer to fluency over the summer, and I’m not nearly there now. And additionally, I feel that there are a lot of people who are more qualified than I am to become French majors. I’m only going to be in 201 next semester (because, of course, they were all taken this semester and I am forced to wait)! I’ve only taken three years of French and I feel like I should have taken seven. Yeah, I skipped one year. Big deal. There are people who catch on after one year of basic high school French effortlessly, and I worked my ass off all three years. I have no accent–first-years can have accents. And I’m embarrassed to spout off French when people ask me to. I had the opportunity to call someone a bastard the other day, but I didn’t because I was on the bus and I was afraid that other people would critique my shitty American accent. I have zero confidence regarding my French speaking skills, but I am a strong writer in French, as well as a strong reader. So this girl, yeah, I love French and I am jealous of her. I’m fucking jealous of someone for being able to speak a language.
Oh, yeah. And if you think knowing French gets you laid, it totally doesn’t.
I feel as though I should be an instant success story. I’ve fallen in love with some French music, and I feel that if I listen to it frequently, I should be able to pick up the whole language. Well, I know that’s not how it works. I know that I’d have to listen to RFI too. And do you know how hard it is to find French indie pop/rock? Fucking impossible! So I have to rely on Yelle, Serge Gainsbourg, Carla Bruni, Jane Birkin, France Gall, Françoise Hardy, Brigitte Bardot, The Arcade Fire, and Charlotte Gainsbourg. Not complaining about them, but I want like…I don’t know. The Arcade Fire in complete French instead of partial French.
I guess I’ve been questioning my worthiness, not my ability or motivation or anything like that. I know that I want to be a French major, and that I am in love with the language and the culture of France and French-speaking regions. I just feel so distant from it, and it feels unrealistic. I’m afraid I’m declining and deteriorating as a French wannabe. And I’m not authentic. I think that’s what bugs me the most. I wish I could just be French and leave it at that.
4 Comments so far
Leave a comment