4 August, 2008, 106 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I will not be able to die until I have accepted that there is no afterlife.  I don’t think that this will happen anytime soon.  I know subconsciously that there is no afterlife, but I can’t grasp that concept.  I am too smitten with this concept of life.  I enjoy having senses and emotions.  I love emotions so much.

Until then, I’ll enjoy the view.  I’m not invincible, but I need to live a worthwhile, action-packed life while I’m young.

And whenever I have things to write about, I can’t.  When I’m stuck at my computer, I can.  Fuck.  So I don’t tell you anything, ever.

Well, for one thing, I feel fairly empty right now.  It is difficult moving on.  I’m so fucking tired right now.  All I can do is just keep taking in music, day and night–and I can never get enough French.  Maybe someday, I’ll be able to do something with it, like introduce someone to a favourite song or whatever.  That would fulfill my life.  That is my life aspiration.

This is going to be another one of those points in my life where I am upset because I feel unloved.  I am fully aware that I do not need a boyfriend to sustain me, but having loving support from someone you love in a romantic manner never hurt.  It just fucking sucks being in a position where that n’est pas possible.  I only used French right there because I’m listening to “Quelqu’un m’a dit” by Carla Bruni.


6 Comments so far
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oh my god. you have no idea how dead on you just described how i feel at this very moment, not two hours after you wrote this. i feel so lucky to have stumbled upon your website and i hope you do get back to me. this is important.

Comment by John Laurens

edit to the above comment, i see now that i actually read this 27 minutes after you wrote it. so double what i said above.

Comment by John Laurens

those first and last paragraphs. omg. ME TOO. adlkhdlhg.

Comment by divya

I’m stunned that someone was feeling the same things at the same time. I guess if you’re referring to the last paragraph, well, I now feel like I’m floating around without a solid support system, like I am in the middle of the ocean like Rose amongst all those frozen dead people in Titanic, only maybe without a life jacket or that piece of wood she was floating on. I only picture it like that because I just saw the movie for the first time ever last night. And I keep thinking that it’s selfish to thrive on love, but I know it’s not. It should be realistic, too, to be able to thrive on love. There are about 7 billion people out there besides me. There have to be a few who are not yet in my life (who may never be in my life because of barriers like languages or cultures or just plain chance) who I could love, where that love could be reciprocated.

And if you’re referring to the first paragraph, I’ve been afraid of dying many times for many irrational reasons and a few seemingly rational ones that turned out to be irrational after all. I think it’s kept me from taking risks. I’m only seventeen, and it’s not like I want to die young, but I want to have a life worth recording. A friend told me last night that she does things based on what would make a better story. I think that’s a pretty decent way to live. Then maybe I’ll eventually accept the truth, once I’ve lived how I want to and can’t really live anymore. I don’t imagine, either, that I’ll die an untimely death in some freak accident. I’ve thought about it and worried about it, but it’s not worth worrying about. I just want to die a death that I can see coming so that I’ll have time to accept the truth.

Comment by indiechouette

I have taken up the habit of reading your posts on your blog. I generally think that some people’s biggest mistakes are trying to relate, but I can’t help but feel that I can truly relate to the majority of things you write about. Sometimes it seems like you can word things that I feel or have felt or thought better than I would ever be able to.

I’d like to think that I will have the chance to really get to know you once college starts and form a meaningful relationship. Since orientation I’ve felt that there was something genuinely unique and beautiful about you. I hope that I will have the chance to change the fact the you feel unloved and I look forward to being introduced to a song that will become my favorite by you.

It’s nice to be able to read your posts and feel like there is someone in the world that I can relate to.

Comment by Jonathan

Simply put, you remind me of myself in a lot of ways. For example, when they named you Jolly Jonathan without your consent and asked you to speak up, man, that’s pretty much exactly how I would have been in a situation full of outgoing strangers. You seemed out of your element and I did not like the fact that the group could let that happen to any member. I was ready to suck it up and talk to you even if your favourite artist was Avril Lavigne and you were a conservative member of the Westboro Baptist Church. I was just way relieved, though, when you noted your musical taste and book taste. We have not talked about movies yet. We need to talk about movies.

Also, yeah, some people just can’t relate no matter how hard they attempt. The message gets all fucked in translation.

Comment by indiechouette

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