Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Banksy, bunny, college, Lewisburg, rabbit, School
I’m a bit of a bitch as far as romance goes. I’m so reluctant. Maybe it’s just in the rare event that it’s so easy to lure someone in. I mean, if I was a guy, I probably wouldn’t fuck me. I get insecure at that thought, and I think that people flirt with me just because they can, because I am secretly in love. But I need someone who will just stealthily come up behind me and hug me without warning. That’s my idea of romance, I think. Meaningless hugs and picnics and kisses on the neck. And spontaneity.
I’m graduating on Friday, but I’m not ready for college. I’m just worried that my music won’t be enough to help me survive. And I know that’s silly, and of course it will be.
But also, despite the fact that I’m moving back to the Triad and Divya and everyone, I’m actually intensely sad that I’ll be so far from my new friends. I mean, we’re just kicking things off and we have all summer, but…ah, how to sound unlame? They’ve helped me get rid of a good deal of my anxiety. And I feel good about myself the way I am. And I can sing around other people and not care. They seem to understand the awkwardness, and instead of thinking it’s silly behind my back, they understand, and we can all laugh about it together.
On the other hand, I feel that my friends are helping me prepare for college. I am like a baby bird, and they are feeding me and giving me confidence and teaching me right now so that by the end of the summer, I will be my own person, and I’ll be able to fend for myself.
Speaking of baby animals, a lot has happened over the past two weeks. One of the things that happened is that Charles found a baby rabbit by the road and brought him to me. He was very hot and very little–eyes still closed–but I was determined to nurse him back to health. He was so helpless, and it was so urgent.
Things went fine for the first two days, and Alexa named him Leverett. But on the third day, Leverett apparently aspirated, so he began choking. Despite the fact that I gave him the heimlich maneuver several times, he only got worse. His organs gradually shut down until he couldn’t breathe, and then Ali arrived at my house, and I was a mess, and she sensed the urgency, and then he died. I bawled. We mourned and went to Rita’s, and then the next day, we had a funeral for him and buried him on my side yard with the help of Paige and Carol. Although I was hurting, the funeral was a strangely happy one. Sometimes, I can’t find the right emotion, or I try to make things seem lighter than they are.
Leverett didn’t deserve to die. I held him in my hand for his last hour, and it was just the most frightening experience of my life. Louie all over again. He would sleep and wake up and hyperventilate, and then it seemed that he had seizures, which led to paralysis, which required rapid chest-rubbing. And then the cycle would return. It happened for hours on end, apparently. It was just the most dreadful thing–indescribable–to know that he would die and that there was nothing I could do about it. At one point, I called my mom and screamed for her to drive us to the vet, and she said that no, there was nothing they could do. But they could have done something more than I could have, right? It will haunt me forever that I didn’t do everything in my power to save him. And I just keep thinking–should I have returned him to where Charles found him? But Charles later found his sibling in the road–killed by a car. Leverett was a helpless newborn. I’m just stuck.
As far as other changes go, I feel tension building between myself and Derek, and it makes me upset. It’s not that I don’t want to spend the summer near him in Richmond. It’s that I don’t want to live with my dad. And I love my friends here. And really, Sara summed it up best–I may be in love with Lewisburg. I want to get a job here this summer and make money and just sort of slowly say bye. It’s not that I won’t be back, but I will be away for a while.
Besides, I first experienced Lewisburg over the summer, and that’s why I loved it. Now that I live here, there are more things to do and I have friends. And I can make plans and I can meet new people who are looking for this connection. Before, I didn’t understand why anyone would move to Lewisburg as an older person. But as a teenager, I kind of get it. It’s a college town, and it’s just lovely.
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