1 June, 2008, 1000 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , ,

I’m a bit of a bitch as far as romance goes.  I’m so reluctant.  Maybe it’s just in the rare event that it’s so easy to lure someone in.  I mean, if I was a guy, I probably wouldn’t fuck me.  I get insecure at that thought, and I think that people flirt with me just because they can, because I am secretly in love.  But I need someone who will just stealthily come up behind me and hug me without warning.  That’s my idea of romance, I think.  Meaningless hugs and picnics and kisses on the neck.  And spontaneity.

I’m graduating on Friday, but I’m not ready for college.  I’m just worried that my music won’t be enough to help me survive.  And I know that’s silly, and of course it will be.

But also, despite the fact that I’m moving back to the Triad and Divya and everyone, I’m actually intensely sad that I’ll be so far from my new friends.  I mean, we’re just kicking things off and we have all summer, but…ah, how to sound unlame?  They’ve helped me get rid of a good deal of my anxiety.  And I feel good about myself the way I am.  And I can sing around other people and not care.  They seem to understand the awkwardness, and instead of thinking it’s silly behind my back, they understand, and we can all laugh about it together.

On the other hand, I feel that my friends are helping me prepare for college.  I am like a baby bird, and they are feeding me and giving me confidence and teaching me right now so that by the end of the summer, I will be my own person, and I’ll be able to fend for myself.

Speaking of baby animals, a lot has happened over the past two weeks.  One of the things that happened is that Charles found a baby rabbit by the road and brought him to me.  He was very hot and very little–eyes still closed–but I was determined to nurse him back to health.  He was so helpless, and it was so urgent.

Things went fine for the first two days, and Alexa named him Leverett.  But on the third day, Leverett apparently aspirated, so he began choking.  Despite the fact that I gave him the heimlich maneuver several times, he only got worse.  His organs gradually shut down until he couldn’t breathe, and then Ali arrived at my house, and I was a mess, and she sensed the urgency, and then he died.  I bawled.  We mourned and went to Rita’s, and then the next day, we had a funeral for him and buried him on my side yard with the help of Paige and Carol.  Although I was hurting, the funeral was a strangely happy one.  Sometimes, I can’t find the right emotion, or I try to make things seem lighter than they are.

Leverett didn’t deserve to die.  I held him in my hand for his last hour, and it was just the most frightening experience of my life.  Louie all over again.  He would sleep and wake up and hyperventilate, and then it seemed that he had seizures, which led to paralysis, which required rapid chest-rubbing.  And then the cycle would return.  It happened for hours on end, apparently.  It was just the most dreadful thing–indescribable–to know that he would die and that there was nothing I could do about it.  At one point, I called my mom and screamed for her to drive us to the vet, and she said that no, there was nothing they could do.  But they could have done something more than I could have, right?  It will haunt me forever that I didn’t do everything in my power to save him.  And I just keep thinking–should I have returned him to where Charles found him?  But Charles later found his sibling in the road–killed by a car.  Leverett was a helpless newborn.  I’m just stuck.

As far as other changes go, I feel tension building between myself and Derek, and it makes me upset.  It’s not that I don’t want to spend the summer near him in Richmond.  It’s that I don’t want to live with my dad.  And I love my friends here.  And really, Sara summed it up best–I may be in love with Lewisburg.  I want to get a job here this summer and make money and just sort of slowly say bye.  It’s not that I won’t be back, but I will be away for a while.

Besides, I first experienced Lewisburg over the summer, and that’s why I loved it.  Now that I live here, there are more things to do and I have friends.  And I can make plans and I can meet new people who are looking for this connection.  Before, I didn’t understand why anyone would move to Lewisburg as an older person.  But as a teenager, I kind of get it.  It’s a college town, and it’s just lovely.


16 Comments so far
Leave a comment

banksy graffiti art? peu t’etre?

Comment by lilly

and i love the starkness of the dark image against the smooth, illuminous wall.

Comment by lilly

oh i thought of one more thing; sorry. i’m nervous as shit about college also, especially since i’m going somewhere completely new and im going into a very demanding program. but i feel like the fear i feel is natural and that everybody going to college must feel it, and that part of growing up is learning to just meet that fear face to face because i’m sure there’s more challenges of that sort in store later in life. so for now, im just concentrating on growing and learning and giving freely this summer so that i can just take things as they come when school starts and maybe doubt myself a little less when i face new difficulties. i don’t know; you’re not alone in your nervousness though. and downtown richmond is the shit, especially the art scene there. and vcu has such as excellent arts program that im sure you’ll meet other creative types like yourself. and the concert scene there has improved dramatically over the past year.

Comment by lilly

I don’t know what it is about this tow that makes me love it so much. It’s pulled right out of a book. I love Boston. I love the hustle and bustle of the city. But deep down, this is where I was born and raised and these are the values that I will always have in me–the ones that this town helped to build. I was raised by Lewisburg. And once I start a family of my own, I would love to raise them here. Maybe not necessarily in Lewisburg, but at least in a town like it. I do think it would be very difficult to find someplace like this, however. I can picture myself livig on the outskirts of town like I do now, or maybe in one of the developments closer to town. No, I’ve always wanted to live in an old house and not one of those cookie cutter ones.

Oh, and I don’t know if this will help at all. But yesterday, I was talking to one of my friends who graduated same year as me. He went for one semester to a school far from home. Then he decided to move home and go to community college. But now he’s decided that he needs to move away. He needs to go somewhere new to become the person he wants to be.

I know that VCU isn’t a new place for you. But it is a new environment, with new people. Going far away for college, for me, taught me that there is so much diversity in this world. That there is more out there than Lewisburg (or Richmond). I can truly say that experience has changed me for the better and has made me a batter person. I have three more years to go, and half of one (or more, if I can help it) will be spend overseas, traveling Europe. I plan to challenge myself, something that I’ve never done before. I want to throw myself into an entirely new environment and watch myself struggle, because that’s what is going to make me a better, stronger person. Sitting in Lewisburg and going to Bucknell or Lycoming or Penn State–I wouldn’t have struggled. I would have thrived and done amazingly. But it would have been easy. I wouldn’t have changed. And I wanted–I want and need to change.

Comment by Sara

PS. I am so sorry about the bunny. :(

Comment by Sara

i’m very very sorry about leverett. don’t blame yourself though, really, don’t. i know he was a baby. no baby ever deserves to die. but you took care of him for a couple days, and you tried your best. it’s okay that you didn’t get him to the vet. he’s so small, anything they would have done would have just effed things up, i’m sure. i know it sucks, i really do. but you tried your best and he’s such a small critter that i don’t know what they could have done. i cried reading this though. because there was penelope the bunny that died, who i felt i should have done more for. it never really stops hurting, and you don’t forget, but don’t beat yourself up too much. sometimes things just end up going that way, even if it’s not fair. ♥

Comment by divya

and about it being just a year yet you love lewisburg– let yourself sink into all the moments that mean a lot, that you have left over. i know it’s just a year, but i’ve reached the conclusion that any length of time can mean a lot, just depending on what happened and who was there and all that jazz. and if your friends are really good friends, you’ll stay close even if you are 5 hours away from them next year. that’s just how it goes. it’s always those people that really matter that end up sticking around in your life, even if they are far away.

Comment by divya

I can guarantee by the end of the summer, I will have you ready to dive headfirst into college. Then, once you’re overwhelmed, I will send you beautiful things in the mail, like, a giant picture of a cupcake, and It will make you feel wonderful things on the inside.

Comment by ALIIIII

when i read the first paragraph of this entry i thought you were seven and a half, or maybe a very young eight. imagine my surprise to find out that you are actually at an age where you should know better than to write any of this trite bullshit!

to the person who cried when they read this – i puked.

to the person who said that “it never stops hurting,” – i’m pretty much positive that it will stop hurting at some point.

leverett is a really indie name, kudos. if you find a baby owl, what will you name that? is that your favorite animal? i’m really interested.

“speaking of baby animals,” you seem to know a lot about animals. while i’m sure your veterinary knowledge is boundless, i just want you to know that there are a few things you could have done to save leverett’s life. The first is to play him your favorite Bright Eyes song through noise-canceling headphones. The second is to cry and let one of your tears fall onto his downy fur. Didn’t you know tears have healing power?

“I’m a bit of a bitch as far as romance goes. I’m so reluctant.”

Indie owl, why would you ever be reluctant to let someone love you? COULD IT BE that no one, i mean NO ONE, could possibly consider you anything other than a small bit of fluff floating along in the universe without any brain matter or purpose after reading this blog?

was this too harsh? mm… c’est la vie, non?

Comment by realperson102

^ wtf

Comment by divya

Nah, I can handle it. In fact, I’m thrilled that you think I’m trite. Honestly, I’d have to agree with you there, and I’m actually shocked that no one has called me out on it before. Absolutely everyone has thought everything I’ve written (indeed, probably at a young age, but I was thinking younger, like five-going-on-six), but not many people lack the balls to write it on the interwebz.

I’m just a little disappointed that you underestimated me by thinking I’d find this a bit too harsh, realperson102. Because obviously, I’m balled up on the floor in fetal position. You cut me deep, realperson102. Not sure how I’ll ever recover. It will, indeed, hurt forever.

Leverett was a name chosen by my little sister and it kind of stuck. I know you’re not interested at all, so I’ll continue by telling you that la chouette isn’t my favourite animal (I prefer giraffes). In fact, don’t you think that the owl is a little trite, too? Maybe I should change that. Everyone likes owls these days. So if I’m so indie, why did I choose it to represent myself? Probably because I’m a complete conformist and I like to pretend I’m so different when in actuality, I’m exactly like everyone else in the world. Probably infinitely more dull. After all, you can create whatever persona you like on the internet. Yeah, so that’s me. I’m fake green, fake indie, fake vegetarian. Brainless.

Oh, by the way, thank you very much. Next time I attempt to save an infant animal, I will use your remedy. Kill ’em early, right? But I think you’re referring to phoenix tears, and unfortunately, despite the fact that I apparently cry so frequently, I am not a phoenix, and I don’t exactly have access to a phoenix. Maybe I should summon all my bird friends or something, except I can’t because I need to change the owl thing because owls are too popular right now, and I am not chouette enough, if by “chouette” you mean the alternate/slang adjective meaning, which is “neat” as in “cool.”

I just handed you another reason to mock me. Go on.

Mais vous avez raison dans une point. I don’t matter the slightest bit, not to anyone, I’ve probably never been in love, and when it comes down to it, I probably never will matter, or else it will be a long time before I do. Good thing I haven’t grown up yet, though, because despite the fact that I’m almost eighteen and still a child, wouldn’t it be a most terrible failure (more terrible than the current state of failure) if I felt that I was, in fact, “grown up” and I was writing like this? Yes, I think that would be worse.

Comment by indiechouette

On a much lighter note (considering the rest of the post/thread)….you need to do a post about the Wombats.

Comment by asdfjkl;

The handle “realperson102” is laughingly ironic in this situation since it’s not only a misnomer, but can best be thought of as a cry for attention, like a small child shouting at the wind.

Comment by Snowden

asdfjkl; I will get on that soon because of your recommendation! Probably tomorrow, if I get around to it.

And Snowden, ahh, je t’aime parce que tu m’aides toujours, comme un vrai ami.

Comment by indiechouette

… I was thinking of tripe.

Comment by wut?!

i’m sorry to hear about all of this :(

Comment by adam

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: