11 November, 2007, 1056 pm
Filed under: My Experience with Existence

I’m tweaked from that car ride.  And I don’t feel like going to school tomorrow because of the way my mom received us.  She’ll do a good job for some period of time, then we’ll go away and I’ll start to miss her, but right when we get back, she’ll fuck up by having guests over, beer in hand, making fun of my father–who, with the help of my mother, has made himself out to be some insane person.  And she doesn’t have the decency to get the fucking neighbours out.  I hate that our house is just a free-for-all, where anyone could walk in at any given moment.  That means I can’t even walk around in my own house because I can’t talk to people and I especially can’t deal with strangers.  I mean, you’d think that the one place I shouldn’t experience anxiety would be within the confines of my own home.

And then just now, she curled her hair and put on makeup and a nice shirt and said she was going to the “grocery store.”  Which, of course, is an insult to my intelligence.  Of course she’s going out with friends!  She lies all the time.  And when she gives me money to buy lunch tomorrow (supposing she remembers to–since she’s not at the grocery store buying lunch fixings right now), I won’t be able to buy my lunch because YES–I am terrified of getting in the lunch line because I can’t deal with interacting with students I don’t know (or do know) or with lunch ladies I don’t know.  And I know that’s stupid.  I knowwwww.

So why, then, do I live here?  Because I don’t want to switch schools yet again, because despite the fact that every day is a nightmare of social activity for me, I’m not a quitter.  Which is the same exact reason I didn’t drop AP Calc.


5 Comments so far
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it’s really not that stupid, it’s actually quite understandable. a lot of the time, i don’t ask for help at stores or ask about stuff at restaurants cause i don’t want to talk to people i don’t know.

Comment by divya

I have trouble talking to cashiers. Rather, any person you buy stuff from. It’s lame.

Comment by wut?!

^^^ he just nailed what i meant to say

Comment by divya

except it’s not lame, it’s something innate i think for some people…

Comment by divya

Yes it is.

Comment by wut?!

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