5 October, 2007, 1007 am
Filed under: Music, My Experience with Existence, Nouvelle Musique, School

I need to write about Eisley and Dntel and The Cranberries maintenant.  The only problem is that my file sharing site isn’t cooperating right now, and I feel like I need to give you music to explain everything.  Ahh, well.  I’ll save it.  The love will still be here tomorrow.

Here is what is new.  I’m converting back to Bright Eyes slowly but surely, but I certainly haven’t stopped listening to Rilo Kiley.  In fact, I listen to Rilo Kiley more than I listen to any other band.  I like the combination of Blake Sennett and Jenny Lewis pounding out tunes together.  There’s just some chemistry there, no doubt left over from their relationship.

Classes are somewhat painful for me.  I’ve clicked with few people my own age, and the AP crowd reminds me of the IB crowd, ready to evaluate my intelligence based on the core courses.  I just wish they knew my motivation in French, or in writing, or how competent I am at firing off band biographies or at making really awkward faces.  I hate math and science, but I’m good at them both.  It’s kind of suffocating to be in a place where no one else looks up to Jenny Lewis the way I do, either.  No one else understands RWRK.  No one else cried at the disappointment of Under the Blacklight.  No one else felt betrayed when Blake Sennett said that Rilo Kiley’s not making music for the sole pleasure of indie scenesters and thus implied that he does not care for indie kids.  Way to bite the hand that feeds you, Monsieur Sennett.  We’re the one who bought all your fucking Elected albums.  And they were good, but maybe not quite as good as Rabbit Fur Coat because you’re so ungrateful.  Obviously, I’m still a little bitter.

No one else listens to “A Better Son/Daughter” as an anthem to just get through life.  I wanted to quote it for my yearbook quote this year.  But I couldn’t decide on a part, and Erika even said that I should just put the whole song.  My favourite part is, “And sometimes when you’re on/You’re really fuckin’ on/And your friends they sing along and they love you/But the lows are so extreme/That the good seems fuckin’ cheap/And it teases you for weeks in its absence.”  Curse words are a problem.  Just, you can’t read it to get my point.  You have to listen to the whole song, you have to listen to the way she says it.  “You’ll be happy.”  The guitar and everything.  It’s just genius.  And it’s un chanson triste, but it’s also inspiring.  Jenny Lewis makes me want to get off my ass and do something, like get a job or collect flowers or fall in love.

On the ride home from school the other day, I was thinking about this one question I’d seen on a bunch of MySpace surveys.  “If you were someone else, would you be friends with yourself?”  Depends.  If I was myself, then no, because it would be boring being friends with someone just like myself, even if it would initially be fun to talk about music and things.  If I was someone exceptionally outgoing, then I’d probably reach out to myself and try to make myself included, try to get me to open up.  If I was moderately normal on the shy scale, then I might talk to myself but I most likely would not like myself.  I’m so boxed in, you have to dig to find out anything about me.

I then thought about how I would react to myself if I was someone else.  I don’t give hugs willingly, I’m emotionally chilly, and I am very sarcastic when I’m in close relationships, I suppose to make people keep their distances.  I do not generally confide in people or tell people about myself unless it’s solicited information.  I imagine that it’s easy for boys to like me because of honesty but in that aspect, it’s hard for girls to like me because guys come to me to keep secrets and I don’t gossip.  But once you get past that initial liking part, which normally includes evaluation, I propel most people away and I’m very aloof.  And that would be because I know exactly what I’m looking for in a friend, a boyfriend, whatever.  And it’s also a test–who will stick around, who’s interested enough to want to stay?  Because I’m interested in the lives, childhood, musical interests, feelings of nostalgia, quirks, pet peeves, and stories of absolutely everyone else if only for educational purposes and making room for myself to grow, but not everyone is like that.  If they want information, there’s always gossip.  If they need to know something, they’ll find ways of finding out, but otherwise, they’re not interested.  But I am, because I want to know people.  It just blows that I’m such a nervous person, an anxious person, because I can’t ask.  And social anxiety is also reflected in my driving; today I had to go to Wal-Mart to pick up blank CDs and I was sweating like a motherfucker.  What’s-Going-To-Happen-Next?!

For example, I can’t follow someone around or sit down by them without worrying that they may think that I’m clingy, and then they will dislike me.  I’m self-conscious about my handwriting because it is very typical, and if someone observes that, then they may also think that I am a very boring person.  When my mouth twitches from tension in school, I am afraid someone will have seen and will think I’m strange.  When I have to rub my eyes because my contacts are dry or lick my lips because they’re chapped, I get nervous, too, because what if they just think I’m strange, or that I’m licking my lips because I find them attractive?  And that thought makes my mouth feel dry, that someone may think I like them!  Because what if they find me peculiar or ugly or fat?!  That’s also why I’m unable to maintain eye contact–a ridiculous attempt, I guess, at trying to protect my mind.  And I hate falling asleep in classes because I do not want to be the sad, unenergetic, emo one because I am actually quite content.  What does it matter what other people think, though?  I obviously exaggerate things and assume the worst automatically to a preposterous extent.  Just, it’s natural to be curious, I think.  You only know what you’ve been exposed to.  You evaluate situations based on your own experiences, and you can’t know anyone else’s experiences or thoughts.  So curiosity comes in, then.  I think it’s okay to wonder what other people think.

Gahh, I’m exhausted.


10 Comments so far
Leave a comment

d00d, trust me, there’s nothing even remotely weird about you. <3

Comment by divya

hello there :) you responded to one of my blog entries a while ago (like a year ago!) and i thought i’d just come and see how you’re doing here.. i have a friend or two who listen to indie, so please do write about eisly and some others! personally, i listen to anything good so my catogory or genre of music is just “good” and “bad”, my taste. :)
take care, keep on writing!

Comment by kstar

You’re telling me I’ve been reading all those signals wrong this whole time?

Comment by wut?!

Oh, sorry for leading you on, Jay.

Comment by leindiemeister

This changes everything !

Comment by wut?!

I am confused.

Comment by leindiemeister

Does the site give you a message saying ‘hey! this guy posted something here!’ or do have to go scrolling through all your stuff just like I do?

Comment by wut?!

y does it after “every time u close ur eyes” there must be followed by “lies”??

Comment by emily

Well, the song is called “Rebellion (Lies).” My personal take on it is that the song is about society trying to scare us into behaving and conforming, and that we should open our eyes and disregard what they tell us to do. So when they say “Every time you close your eyes,” they’re referring to “Sleeping is giving in/So lift those heavy eyelids” as mentioned earlier in the song, which means that society says that if you sleep, you’ll die, or maybe that something bad will happen to you, playing on the fears of the people. Thus, by saying, “Lies! Lies!” after that, they’re saying that it’s okay to sleep since society makes shit up all the time to scare us into submission. They’re contradicting society. They’re whispering the truth into your ears.

Comment by leindiemeister

Oh, and Jay, it gives me like…notifications on my “home page” on, so I know whenever someone comments me.

Comment by leindiemeister

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