25 June, 2007, 1210 pm
Filed under: My Experience with Existence, School

Naughty me. I’ve not been sticking to my eating plan well today…I had some Sour Patch Kids and a popsicle today, plus three Frosted Mini Wheats. That is not a part of my agenda. I’m not fat. I’m just not skinny. It’s not even so much the fact that I’m not skinny as it is that I’m not particularly healthy. I’m not sick and I don’t need surgery or anything, but I eat way too much. Never fear; no eating disorders here!

Speaking of food and eating, I’ve been avidly avoiding dairy lately. Water only, try to eat mostly fruits and veggies, et cetera. Of course, at this point, there’s almost no escaping it, but the road to veganism has cleared up ever since Luke aka surplusvalue asked me what was holding me back. Well, money. But I can get a job once I move. There are vegan things in our household, or at least things that a vegan could eat. Not much. Fruits and vegetables. I need to look up exactly what vegans don’t eat. I know vegans don’t eat dairy, meat, animal products (which means no gelatin, no insect-based carmine), no flour. I wonder if vegans can eat Chipotle? If not, then I should e-mail Chipotle and inquire as to whether they’d be able to make vegan meal options available. They seem friendly, laid-back, and concerned for the animals (not that most people in Scene Pump care).

Derek is in Normal, Illinois at the BOA (Bands of America) Symposium. Why would I even consider lying? I miss him. I miss him a lot. The night before he left, we drove around to what seemed like every godforsaken CVS in the tricounty area looking for candy for the bus ride, and then he took me to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. We filled up my gas tank a bit and drove around Innsbrook, and then ended up back at his house and watched Happy Feet. We had an ongoing joke about Happy Feet, by the way, before we saw it, because once when Tim, Jordan, and Derek were at my house for a Guitar Hero pit gathering, at dinner, Jordan told the story of Happy Feet in COMPLETE GRUESOME DETAIL, so we didn’t want to see it since we had already heard it. But it was the most amazing children’s movie I’ve ever seen, with a better message than friendship or sharing–save the penguins–and it reminded me that I genuinely despise zoos. I mean, endangered species in captivity to reproduce, fine, but not for ugly snotty little kids and parents to ogle. Anyway, by the end of the movie, we were laughing like hysterical drunks about everything, completely effortlessly, and it was fun. Pure fun. Not like the awkward laugh with tension that we sometimes experience, but it was genuine laughs from both of us, because we both felt the same way–tired and not wanting to be separated.

And then I left and he went to Normal.

The neighbourhood ladies are nice. They don’t really socialize all too much, but ever since the news came up that we were going to sell our house, they’ve helped my mother in every way possible, from giving tips on interior design to assessing how much the house is worth. When I got home, I found that earlier, they’d taken my mother to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory about a half hour after Derek and I left, and they gave her tons of Bath & Body Works shit. At first, I was like, “WTF?!” but she deserved it. My mom knows everyone, but it seems like she tries not to get too attached to anyone, sort of like me.

Then yesterday, when I had expected to be in a funk about Derek’s absence, at about 1215, my good middle school friend Amber called asking if I wanted to go to lunch at Panera with her and Erin and maybe Emily and Ben, all middle school friends at other schools (the only one who goes to my school is Emily, who’s in the IT program). It was weird at first seeing Amber and Erin (I see Emily a lot) grown up, and it was even weirder hanging out with girls only. Intellectuals. That’s not to say my Deep Run friends aren’t smart, but it’s hard to explain…once you’ve endured the IB program even for those three years, you’re nearly a certified intellectual and you crave political conversations and just debates, and Harry Potter speculation and polls on who Beatrice (see: A Series of Unfortunate Events) really is, and for the past three years, my brain’s kind of been rotting, not being surrounded by that type of person anymore. I’ve stooped to making dumb jokes and adding “your MOM” to phrases. It’s pretty bad. I don’t really talk about Harry Potter, and I haven’t even read books 12 or 13 in ASOUE. When you go to Deep Run, conforming is part of the package, and I won’t deny that I’ve conformed some, at least as far as standards of intellect go.

We warmed up, though, after Erin took a poll asking whether or not Snape is good or evil (come on, guys, he’s good). Let me explain our middle school group. Amber is extremely intelligent and she excels at writing, mathematics, science, politics…everything, and she rides horses. She could completely convince you that (little kids look away!) Santa is real if she wanted to, and she’s vegetarian ever since Lent last year. Erin is artsy and comfy but unique, and also extremely intelligent. She’s into manga and goes to anime conventions, and she got me into Fruits Basket. Emily is athletic–she runs cross country, or she used to, and she’s smart, neat, organized, and polite, but not annoyingly so. And then there’s me. I am the messiest, the youngest of our group, and I used to be the most impressionable…not dumb, but more narrow-minded. I make excuses, I’m less rich, and my parents are the only ones who are splitting. I have to tweeze my eyebrows daily. I used to be the one who tried really hard to make everyone laugh. I’m the one who’s the most concerned with my appearance. And now, I’m judgmental and quiet and cold, and indie. Yes, I’m indie.

We played DDR and watched Little Miss Sunshine, which made me automatically think of Sufjan Stevens, who never fails to make me think of Derek, now especially because he’s in Illinois right now (Come On Feel The Illinoise). Paul Dano talks exactly like my pal Tim, and they almost look alike. I love that movie.

It feels weird that I’m going to leave behind all these people I don’t normally see, who don’t go to my school. We bought the house next to my cousins, and it’s ours on July 20th. I need a smaller bed. I will actually use my closet for holding clothes. I don’t get to keep my car; it’ll be my dad’s instead. So I don’t really have a car, which is depressing. But I can drive, unless I don’t get the court order before I leave, in which case, I have no idea what I’ll do.

I didn’t think my parents’ divorce would change my life. I’m not upset about the end of an emotional commitment at all. I’m not upset that I won’t be able to see my dad as much anymore. I’m not upset that things didn’t work out, things that brought myself and my sisters into existence in the first place. I should, but I don’t. My dad blames it all on one or two miscarriages that occurred before and after Alexa, and I remember the last one. My mom doesn’t say anything. It just has to happen. I’m upset about the changes. I’m a hypocrite. I hate being no one here, but I don’t want to be the new kid there. I hate the privilege and the snob attitude of here, but I don’t want to go there, where no one cares. I hate that I can’t be the smartest here, but I don’t really want to be the smartest there. But Derek isn’t in Lewisburg. Well, he’s not in Richmond right now, either, but he’s normally in Richmond.

If anything, I’ll say we should move for Alexa. Her friends here suck.

I have some blood on my hand, but I don’t know where it came from. When I smile lately, I can see the dimple in my left cheek.

My mother came to me yesterday and told me that either I’d need to get a scholarship or I’d need to think smaller for college. Because Kenyon is a private college and it does cost a lot. Because it’ll especially cost a lot for someone from a family like mine. I was upset about this for a while–limiting my education choices, COME ON, but then I thought about something Erin said later on. As an artsy person, she’s considering going to a mathematical school because she’ll stand out. Maybe I should do that. College Board College Finder, here I come.


5 Comments so far
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Vegans don’t eat animal products. No dairy, no eggs, no white, red, pink etc. meat. Some don’t eat honey (bees) and others do. Some won’t wear leather and will avoid any shampoos, cosmetics, soaps, etc. that are tested on animals or which contain animal by-products. Flour is normally made from a grain and you would not have to give it up for a vegan diet. Usually it’s cheaper to be a vegan since meat is often very expensive. But then to get your protein you need to make sure to eat a lot of things like beans, lentils, peas, tofu, tempeh, soy-protien etc.. And you end up looking at labels of processed fodos a lot because often animal-based ingredients are hidden in there (like lard instead of vegetable oil or eggs or milk in chocolate etc..)

Comment by musingsofabittergirl

Thank you VERY much, musingsofabittergirl! I’m excited for the process of becoming vegan, and now it’s more within reach. And that website is actually rather cool…it’ll definitely come in handy.

Comment by leindiemeister

I think it is great that you’re going to see about going vegan now, despite some potential difficulties that come from living with parentals. But lots of people manage it, as long as their parent(s) are not obstructive about it. Acutally, a friend of mine is writing a book on going vegan as a teen – I think it is due out this fall.

Googling info is key. Google “chipotle vegan” and you’ll see that someone somewhere has posted the info. And of course you can always contact the companies themselves. Jamba Juice actually tells you straight out (if you look in the book they have in their stores, or online) what is vegan. (wait, are there jamba juices out here?) has, or used to have, some fast food info on their website. I don’t know how up to date it is. But they have a lot of great nutritional info, and they have sample eating plans so you can see what you’d need to eat to get all the protein, iron, calcium, etc. (which also helps when convincing parentals that you can do this and be healthy!)

Oh, and this is helpful too:

That’s for when you’re label reading. which, yeah, is an annoying fact of life!

There’s probably tons of stuff that you guys get normally at the grocery store that you could just get the vegan versions of. Get Earth Balance instead of butter. (no cholesterol, Mom!) and Soy milk (or rice or almond or oatmeal, or a million others if soy milk isn’t palatable) instead of cow milk.

Convince your mom to get more fruit and veg and grains and beans – cooking beans and grains yourself is cheap as well as healthy. She can’t really complain about the cost, because you’d be eating some of the cheapest food sources out there! Check out some of the vegan food bloggers for inspiration. (A good friend of mine, who happens to currently live in Richmond, is Some will include their email addresses and you can ask them questions. (feel free to email me with questions, too)

There is a wealth of info out there – all you need is to ask us questions, and we’ll happily help. I mean, we’ve all gone through the transition, there’s no reason to not make it easier on others.

You can also go to and ask them to send you their ‘vegetarian starter kit’ (which really is a vegan starter kit) and their recipe book and stuff. (they’ll send it for free)

I also wanted to say about moving – I’ve moved a few times; sometimes purely by choice, sometimes not. It is always exciting, and I always have mixed feelings. Expect to go through various ups and downs, it is a big adjustment. Bigger when you’re in high school and have to deal with that paricular joy on top of the rest. There is seriously a period of mourning, for lack of a better word, for your previous life. It is weird. Of course you’d be going through that anyway in a year, with college. Everything changes. It is one of the best things and the worst things about life.

And totally go for scholarships. You never know what you’ll get unless you try. Actually, check out for that too – I think they actually have some scholarships every year.

Good luck!

Comment by Deb

oh okay no car. well hey, look at it this way: you’re reducing your carbon footprint and helping the environment :)

i’m terrified that i won’t have money for college too. but i guess loans are there for those of us who aren’t rolling in dinero?

I MISS YOU, FOO’. we need to get together sometime soon. i have to give you your thingy!!!

Comment by divya

btw peta’s website has a good list of vegan stuff.

Comment by divya

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