3 June, 2007, 957 pm
Filed under: My Experience with Existence

When I feel fat but have no motivation to lose weight, I go lurking on MySpace and find photos of really skinny, idealistically pretty girls and then I drink tons of water for a day or two and go running a lot. I suppose I should do that more often. I know it’s bad for self esteem and that it could cause anorexia, but I’ll always be a buffoon and thus could never be anorexic, and I know that losing weight always makes me ecstatic. I want to be able to wear whatever I want, within reason. Basically, I want to have a small of the waist and tiny hips, but they should be smooth–not like the ones I have now. I want to have skeletal arms and knocky knees and hipbones that jut out and I don’t really want to have boobs, or not big ones. I attempt to accept that I’m not built to be like that, but then I look down at my tiny wrists and my hopelessly skinny legs, and I poke my hipbones and prod to find the bone in my upper arm, and I feel around for my ribs, and I know that’s not true. I just don’t have as much self control as I’d like. Every morning, I wake up and say to myself, “Today I’m going to eat healthily and drink eight cups of water and piss it out and drop some weight.” It never happens, though. The only time that really made a difference was the night before spring trip last year, I chugged eight glasses before I went to bed, did some two hundred curl-ups, and I had to pee really badly, but I did look a bit thinner when it was all said and done. I want to have prominent cheekbones and just altogether prominent facial bones, especially my jawline.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have an aversion to the pleasantly plump, and I’m not fat, not nearly. I’m your average-sized teenaged girl. I’ve just always had this abnormal obsession with skinny people and with being really, truly lean and hardcore vegan and stylish. I just haven’t accomplished any of that yet. This summer, I will become thin, though. I’ll exercise regularly, I will control my eating habits, and I’ll drink tons of water. I suppose we can consider it a part of growing up, but I promise I’ll be healthy about it.


4 Comments so far
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i’ve tried this so many times and failed each and every time. it’s too damn hard.

Comment by adam

if you don’t take anything from what i’m saying here, at least remember this first sentence: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. eating healthily and excersizing may be good for you, but please don’t go overboard and starve yourself. willingly working towards anorexia (i know that’s not exactly what you’re doing here but it may lead to it) is like doing stuff that could lead to getting HIV/AIDS or cancer. i care about you and your health. a lot of people may be naturally almost skeletal or built like a runway model, but not everyone is. that doesn’t mean that they’re not beautiful though. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. never let anyone tell you that you aren’t because it is the flat out truth that you are. beauty may be a matter of opinion, but the people who really count can see your beauty, no matter what shape or size you are. i know that a lot of your family is naturally insanely skinny, but that doesn’t mean you should force your body to be that way if that is not how it naturally is. that isn’t healthy.

Comment by divya

i wish i could be more disciplined like you:(

Comment by victoria

the discipline has worn off, ha. i lost maybe five-ish pounds from awful eating habits, but i already know i’m probably not really going to tan this year, not because of weight, but because for some reason, i’m indecisive as to whether i want ivory skin or bronze skin.

by the way, and this is completely off-topic, but i’ve always found the name “victoria” lovely.

Comment by leindiemeister

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