1 June, 2007, 618 pm
Filed under: My Experience with Existence, School

Last night, I had a nightmare.  It wasn’t a normal nightmare, though.  It needs some background information from real life.

Derek’s older sister is graduating from high school this month, and on June 12th, Derek’s family is having a graduation dinner.  I’ve already met his immediate family, but here, we’re talking extended family.  He wasn’t sure at first if I should come, because he knew it would be REALLY awkward all around (me being this weird socially anxious person doesn’t help), so I left it up to him.  Then he realized that that date is our six-month marker, so we had to do something together, and that would be, by default, a graduation dinner for Caroline with the whole family.  So now my dream…

Here’s what happened.  It was June 12th in dreamland, and all the Deep Run juniors got a letter in the mail that we would be performing in the graduation ceremony with the seniors, a sort of passing the torch along.  Only the graduation was going to be on that night, June 12th, and the juniors all had to scramble to get ready, whereas the seniors were chill about it.  I met Derek somewhere and told him I wouldn’t be able to go to the dinner, and he was quite upset with me…very angry.  So I went about getting ready, and the juniors had to wear these ugly blue robes that are like regular grad robes, only shorter, like with sleeves that go just below the elbow and skirts that hit just below the knee.  The ceremony went well, I guess, and afterwards, there was  party.  I was wearing the dress I’d worn to Homecoming this year in real life, and I met Derek at the party, and he was still mad, and so I asked if I could leave for a second because I wanted to get some water.  So I went across the room to get water and along the way, I talked to a bunch of people I knew, and on the way back, I spotted Derek and headed towards him (he was taller than everyone else there, and would be in real life, anyway, pretty much).  I had to stop about 100 feet away for two reasons.  One, there was a dense crowd of people, almost like a wall between us, and two, he was flirting with this blonde chick.  I thought little of it at first, and I figured if I got mad, it would be an overreaction, but then they started slow dancing and I got a little mad, but I told myself that I had no room to be angry unless he kissed her…which he did, on the cheek.

I didn’t want to talk to him, though, because he was angry with me, and also because in real life, when something awful happens, I go into a Depression mode, and I don’t want to talk to anyone, and I don’t want to sort out any conflicts or confront anyone.  What happens happens, and what’s already happened has already happened, and everyone already knows it, especially if they’ve done wrong.  I felt empty.  For some reason, there was this giant inflatable moonbounce in the party, and I went in it and sat down and I had a bag half-full of Sour Patch Kids, and I ate them and hid in there, ’cause the only other person in there was Jeremiah Youmans, who I don’t even know; he’s a friend of a friend.  Derek found me after a while and sat down across from me and stretched out his legs beside mine, but not touching mine, and he crossed his arms.  It’s probably a good time to mention that he was in a tux without like…a jacket.  He pretended that we were just mild acquaintances, and he asked for a Sour Patch Kid, and so did Jeremiah, and I had four left.  So I had two reds and a green and a yellow that had bite marks in it, and I like reds best, but I pretended I liked greens best, and I ate the green, and gave the disfigured red one to Jeremiah and the normal red one to Derek.  And he just said, “Thanks,” and he ate it and then he left.

When I woke up, it took me about a minute to remember my dream.  I knew I’d had one, because I had that feeling of fullness for a second that I always do when I have a realistic dream, but the crash came a minute later when I remembered it hadn’t actually happened.  This time, though, it was weird.  I was relieved that it hadn’t happened, but I felt protective, upset, and empty as though it had.  I can’t shake the feeling.

It’s the same feeling I get sometimes from trivial things, like passing and seeing Derek in the hallway and being unnoticed, not getting a glance or a wave or anything.  That happens almost every Monday when I’m walking from Study Hall to band a different route than the one I normally take when I’m walking from History to band (Study Hall and History for me are in the same classroom).  I sometimes expect that there is a stupid radar where you will always notice the people who mean the most to you, as long as you have the opportunity to see them.  Like if they’re behind you, that’s not really an opportunity; you’re not facing them, and they’re not even in your peripheral vision.

Also yesterday evening, I was in a band dilemma, which, yeah, it sounds extraordinarily dumb.  I don’t know if I’ll be on mallets at my new school, or if they’ll even have a pit, or if I’ll even be able to do marching band because I’ll be the “new kid.”  My mother said that she’s aiming to move before August, and that’s part of what makes me so upset.  I want to go because I hate Richmond and I hate most people here, and I know that if I move, I’ll have a better chance to connect with friends who have common interests, but then I’ll be a social outcast for my senior year, and there is no other Derek in the world.


3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

well, if there’s no marching band there, but you find people with common interests, you know what you should do? start an indie band. that’d be quite savvy.

Comment by adam

eeeeee freaky dream. myjellybean has a good dream dictionary.
haha just noticed ‘rabbit rabbit’ isn’t that from the karen/little sister of babysitters books?

Comment by divya

Not that I know of, not at all. At least, I don’t think they invented it at all. I got it from Mr. Towslee, who, on the first day of every month, would write it on his whiteboard. I know he didn’t invent it, though, and I highly doubt he got it from those books…

Comment by leindiemeister

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: