22 May, 2007, 957 pm
Filed under: My Experience with Existence, School

For some reason or another, I feel disappointed. I’m not the BEST at French. I’m not the PRETTIEST. I’m not the THINNEST. I’m not the HIPPEST. It’s the perfectionist in me speaking, saying that because I only got four unsolicited comments of approval today, I’m not good enough. Probably a good 500 people heard my name, but they weren’t paying any attention. They didn’t care. No one treats me like I’m one of the Top Ten. No one treats me like I’m intelligent or worth the time of day, not ever. I don’t feel like a girl. I feel like some dirty, nasty old hermit who lives in a fucking cave.  Or an owl.  A completely reclusive owl.  But that’s what “chouette” can mean.  It’s either owl or neat.


My mom says that it’s the Deep Run Syndrome. The Richmond Syndrome. That in any normal town, you wouldn’t HAVE to share your fucking life story with your teachers to get recognition for being a good person. Like Mary Beth said in one of her recent posts, “I feel cheated.” I wish there was one being who I didn’t know who paid attention to me not because I’m a fucking teenager but because they KNEW, and they were interested in my personality and in my well-being, and that they’d just tell me once that I’m gorgeous and that it’s okay. That would make my day. It’s all I really need. A stranger. I wouldn’t care if they had to blatantly lie to me. It would change my life. I keep waiting for this, and it never happens. I’m waiting for a change to fall in my lap.

But I pay attention to a few select people like this. Fellow hermits who I don’t know, who I wish I knew, who don’t have that many friends, who don’t seem to have the greatest self esteem, who are the most intriguing people in the world as far as I’m concerned.

I’m waiting for the day when someone doesn’t respond to my misfortune with a “=\” or with compensation. I want something that will make me feel good or great or amazing, not something that will make me continue to feel mediocre. I need something to distract me. I mean, as unrealistic as this sounds, I just want a fucking picnic. That’s all I want from my life. A picnic. I’m so pathetic, and it seems like the cinchiest thing in the world, but I’ve never had one. No one in the world knows how important that one thing is to me. I’m not joking here. I’m more serious than ever when I say that the key to my heart and happiness is an amazing picnic. The perfect picnic. A picnic without awkward silences. A picnic.


It would also be nice if someone of the opposite gender told me I was gorgeous and didn’t have to lie or use sarcasm to attain the truth. Not only do I need affection from strangers, but I need affection, period.


3 Comments so far
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i feel like this alot, and i know the feeling. would it help if i told you you’re gorgeous? and that you have a great personality? i’m a complete stranger after all.

you like menomena, and a hell of a lot more excellent music, so therefore you are incredible. music is love, love is life or whatever.

Comment by adam

also, i have no idea what i’m saying, sorry.

Comment by adam

haha why thank you! if you have myspace i hope you added me.

do you use msn?

Comment by adam

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