21 May, 2007, 606 pm
Filed under: Barrels of Fun, My Experience with Existence

Friday was a tired, lazy night where we watched FLCL and tried to stay awake.  Saturday, we tried to watch Pan’s Labyrinth but didn’t get far.  Sunday, we tried to go to the mall, which is never even remotely a good idea.  This time, we ran into Zach, my little ex-boyfriend from two years ago.

pan’s labyrinth

We dated because he wanted the exitement of dating an older “pretty” girl, and because I had no other options and he was cute; he was nice.  In retrospect, I feel bad for running off away from him at the mall because he’s a good kid.  It’s not like we fought ever, or like anything ended badly.  I was just too old, and he apparently retained three girlfriends at a time.  His parents didn’t know we were dating.  I resented that.  I suppose I’m protective of Derek.

I’ve never been dumped.  Within a good two weeks, I know whether or not something’s going to work out in the long run.  Connor and I decided rather mutually to break it off, and it was actually the best idea, and both of us are kind of upset that neither or us came up with that earlier.  He was in to make me feel good and try to temporarily ward off gay accusations and I suppose because I’m so passive that I’d never make him too uncomfortable, and I was in it because he was the only person in the world who flirted with me when I was fat, aside from Tyler.

Derek, though.  We were close friends for a good year and a half before we dated.  So it’s real.  It’s for real reasons.  It’s not because he offered me Goodwill services to boost my self esteem.  It’s not because he was the only thing on the face of the earth that made eyes at me.  Which, those were pretty much the only reasons for my two prior “relationships.”  They were shitty reasons, and I want to shelter him from my bad choices of the past.  I want to shelter him from the guilt and the peer pressure and the happiness I once felt, because everything’s different now.  I’m a different animal, and no one has ever known me.

a different animal

After we went back to my house and finished Pan’s Labyrinth (which was amazing and almost made me cry at the end–I would have cried if I was alone), and after we had dinner with my family, who must have made Derek think I live in a mental institution, and after he left, I went for a run with Rachael on the elementary school track.  Normally, I’ll walk one, run two, walk one, run two…until I’ve run a full mile and walked somewhere close to a half a mile.  Right in the middle, I’ll do about fifty curl-ups or crunches and thirty push-ups.  This time, though, I walked one, ran four, walked one, did my curl-ups and push-ups, and ran four.  It felt amazing.  It temporarily distracted me from all the guilt from those dumb relationships and made me think about the scenery and the way the light fell on my skin, and how I like the isolation of the track because when you’re pigeon-toed, you know everyone’s got something to say.

As much as I hate to think about running because of the images it digs up from grades K through 10, I like to have the motivation to do it out of my own free will.  It’s empowering.  Mostly, I like the feeling of freshly pulled muscles, and pink sunset rays on my face, and the cooling air, and the sound of my feet kicking up gravel as I push on.  I like wearing a crisp, clean tee shirt and shorts, and having an excuse to have my hair out of my face.  Gym class is a race to see who finishes first.  This isn’t.  This is endurance to see how many laps I can run.  How far I can run.  How many curl-ups it will take to make my abs ache, to make me feel like I’m all toned and fit.  Time is not an issue.  I hate running, but it makes me feel good.  I’m happy after I run.

I remember when I was real little, I used to read books about people who ran as their drug.  Like Bee in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.  Or, well, I can’t think of anyone else.  I’m not like that.  Running reminds me that I’m clumsy and pigeon-toed and out of shape and that I never did sports as a child.  It reminds me that I’m not athletic in the least.  Being able to do it, though–being able to run a mile every day–I’m proud.  I’m not one of those lazy asses who can’t run a half a mile without stopping, without struggling for breath.  Maybe someday this week, I’ll run a whole mile without stopping.  And maybe someday, once I can do that, I’ll tack on an extra quarter of a mile, or a half a mile.

When I run, I don’t have to go on MySpace after.  I’m THAT happy.  I should run in the mornings.

And then there’s my Pod.  Later on, I’ll upload my Running! Playlist, and we’ll call it a mixtape, and you’ll all be motivated to run, even though you’ll have most of the songs already.  You’ll pick the new ones off me like pigeons picking bread off the ground.  Just you wait.

get excited


2 Comments so far
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i wish i could run like that. i tried to run on my treadmill a lot last summer, and every time i ran for more than a minute or two, my left knee would hurt like someone set fireworks off inside it, so i stopped running and walked instead. but yeah, i do that thing where i see how far i can push myself, like how long i can do it without giving up. except it’s walking. and i put the incline way up. and the speed somewhere between 3 and 4 mph. man i love the endorphin rush i get after that. i really need to start up again. though i like walking outside a lot better than inside.

Comment by divya

pans labyrinth is a great film! quite shocking too.

Comment by adam

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