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I’m an intrusion because of tears and I’m a mess, emotionally and physically, right now. My self esteem is all fucked up for no reason, mainly because all these horrible thoughts have been filtering into my head all day, disturbing my balance and triggering uncalled-for and imagined potential jealousy. Like, what will happen when I move? What if I am a ball and chain kind of girlfriend? Suppose he’s already taken all this into account and is evaluating how boring I am and what a wreck I am lately? And all that isn’t even anything personal against him. It’s mostly social phobia creating this caricature of Derek with all these added evil features he doesn’t have and would never have, even if he got amnesia and was retaught by Satan himself.
I don’t feel like talking to anyone or listening to anyone, either. It seems like nobody failed to piss me off today, save for possibly the Triad and Derek. All day, I wanted to be absorbed in the song that was my momentary drug and just sleep, but I can’t sleep and couldn’t sleep because of stress at everything. And Spring Break isn’t making me too happy. I just want to build a treehouse and live in it for nine days (or forever, but I don’t want to come off as clingy, ha) with Derek, and the Triad can come and visit or whatever because they’ll live in nearby treehouses, but that’s it. I need a break from everyone I see for more than ten minutes daily, and I want my old group back. Or I need a new group of people like me who listen to my music and read my books and get satisfaction at calling everyone else a n00b or a newb.
I’m such a n00b sometimes, honestly.
I’m afraid I won’t allow myself to write on here again until I have something legit or new to write about. So peace for now.
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