26 February, 2007, 808 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Today is Derek’s birthday.  Happy birthday.  For his birthday…I got him food and a Tamagotchi V4 and a Gotchi Gear carrier.  He’s set for life.  Or at least for the week.   Maybe.

Today was a problem-solving day.  I feel like I’ve gotten a large weight off my chest.  I made left turns at traffic lights.  I drove on Broad Street.  I gave Derek presents.  I got my hair cut.  I washed my face.  I put on makeup.  I sorted out pressing emotional issues–and not with any other girl!  I went to Derek.  I was able to go to him and confront him about something that turned out to be a misconception, I guess, although I still don’t completely understand, and I got the reassurance I needed, and I had an interested listener.  I felt bad asking something of him on his birthday, but I did give him the option, originally, of waiting until tomorrow.  And I felt needy, and I felt horrible for it, but he didn’t appear to mind.

When I was looking for presents, though, I felt like a little kid.  Or I felt like I was shopping for a little kid.   I know I’m going out of chronological order right now.  I don’t care.

I need to pee right now.  I also need to cry.  I’m not really sad so much as I am embarrassed, I guess.  Maybe I’m coming down from the high of anxious adrenaline.  I’ve been anxious all day long.  I’m glad I’m not depressed, and I’m glad I don’t have to deliver a speech of sorts that involves the hypothetical of being a replacement and the ultimatum of being dumped on the sidewalk.

I was asked to utilize my sleeping artistic abilities today, which I was pretty sure were dead or nonexistent, because I’ve convinced myself that my own artwork is creepy and that the only people who like it are my mom, my grandmother, and some select close friends.  I’m not sure if that’s true or not.  But it felt good to be able to draw whatever I wanted, as detailed as I wanted, even if it was in support of the troops, and even if it was slipshod and I set my expectations too high.  And then being applauded and appreciated for my efforts was a golden moment.  I was an example.  I made something out of myself for a second.

For a while, I thought I was having a bad day.  Bit by bit, though, it got better.  And whether or not it was a good day, I was able to make someone happy, and I accomplished a good deal within the limits of my own mind, got over some emotional humps, and released some anxiety bubbles, which I’m glad for.  I still have a few anxiety bubbles left, but now I know that I can pop them whenever I need to.

And now to return to that letter that I should have written a long time ago.  And next entry, I promise to write about something aside from my life.


3 Comments so far
Leave a comment

i think you need a hug. i don’t know what you’re worried about, but…you’re a fantastic being and you should know that.

Comment by divya

We all need hugs and we all get anxious. Those of us who know we are anxious are better off than those who are numb and dead–in denial. Know that there are safe, effective ways to become emotionally strong so that depression and anxiety do not keep you from enjoying life. Anxiety bubbles are a nice way to see the wired energy leaving your nervous system!!

My blog is called Enjoy Life if you are interested in overcoming anxiety naturally and I have interesting posts on emotional health, labels, ADHD and holistic psychology

Comment by drjeanette

guess what? we got straight superiors at festival, with grade 4 music. no joke. now all we have to do is wait for chorus to go to festival and we’ll see if we’re a blue ribbon school of music or not!!!!

Comment by divya

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