INDIEchouette


THERE’S A GREAT BLACK WAVE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEA FOR ME!
12 February, 2007, 535 pm
Filed under: Music, School

I have several things that I need to write down today. One of them, I know, most do not want to hear about, but it leads into my discovery of the second, which has a lot to do with, well, psychology, and is probably something that only extreme dorks comme moi will find really interesting. The first topic would be amazing relationships, and I’m sorry, single people and cliche-haters, but…I have to.

For starters, today is my second monthiversary. I’m going to go out on a limb and be really cliche for a second when I say I am ecstatic about this. Not about the amount of time, but more about Derek. It’s really a liability being so shy, though, that I can’t tell him why I adore him so absolutely. And I feel bad for not being able to even sum up a little courage to just go out and tell him a bit. Every moment seems inopportune. I have even more than that to tell him, and there’s a lot I need to get off my chest that has nothing to do with, you know, childhood or where we’re going to go this weekend. And I have a bunch of questions, too, but I don’t want to pry or for my questions to be perceived in the wrong way.

This negativity leads me to confess that I have social phobia, which has, in recent months, grown to towering heights, and it’s weighing everything down in my life, from preventing me from making friends to disallowing me to get the Math Analysis help that I really need. My mom always used to blame my just not turning in papers at all on laziness, but I couldn’t tell her that I was scared. And I need help. But every time I try to call out, someone tells me I’m just shy, but I know I’m not because shyness doesn’t hinder someone’s whole life. I wish some stranger would just ask me what’s wrong, but it seems that no one in this whole wide world is as observant as myself when it comes to feelings. And my heightened sense of emotion would be because of my introspectiveness and my social phobia. It’s why I’m terrified of college. It’s why I don’t ever end up talking to these just amazing seniors I’ve met online, or glancing twice at them, as far as they know. I break eye contact. I cross my arms. I stutter. But that’s not what’s in my mind; I notice them, and I want to be friendly so badly. If you could see even a little bit of the fluid, sarcastic, inspired personality I keep locked up, you might be impressed and/or alarmed. But because of all this fear, nobody knows me.

When I analyze my outward self, I see someone who is immensely awkward, who some people probably see as empty-minded because I lack social skills. And I hate that, because my mind is fuller than anyone will ever know, but I lack the confidence to express it.

I think of humans as dependent on interaction. I see them in a very primitive state as needing conversation, and they don’t judge anyone else because they so crave that primal need. But that’s being optimistic. The harsh reality is that there are cliques and there’s much discrimination based on your looks, your beliefs, your music, your weight. I discriminate a lot, too! People isolate themselves by making friends. But they can also isolate themselves by not making friends and maybe just collecting acquaintances like Yu-Gi-Oh (You-GHII-Oh) cards, like me, which is a far lonelier state.

Anywho, Neon Bible comes out on March 6th, you know, new Arcade Fire album, and I am pumped. I already love “Black Mirror” and “Black Wave/Bad Vibrations” and I am utterly confident that their sophomore effort will be as amazing as–or possibly more amazing than–their freshman (??)/debut album, Funeral. Which was positively orgasmic, and definitely instant love–love at first listen.

As a closer, in my daily escapades in looking for photos of the Arcade Fire, I found this brilliant Lego version of them, and I must say…I’m impressed. I also liked the Rilo Kiley one, although I’m not sure if they’re by the same person or what.

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2 Comments so far
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I know other people who have social phobia, so you aren’t alone. I’m sorry you experience it though.. but college may help it. Not many people go into college knowing everyone, so you’ll be surrounded by other people who are kind of like “ahh this is awkward I dont know anyonee”. You know?

-Laurr

Comment by Laurra

I have an acute case a schizotypal personality disorder, so I can relate to a lot of this. I can’t really ever talk about things I want to talk about without thinking I look crazy. Anyways, I really like your writing. Sometimes when I read this it inspires me to write more. Thanks a lot!

-derek’s_friend.spencer

Comment by Spencer




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