26 January, 2007, 648 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Be pertinent or be silent.

I’m in a super mood right now.  I think for the past week, I’ve actually been real for the first time in a while.  The people who annoy me, I brush them off my shoulders because I don’t feel like putting up with any more bullshit.   I don’t feel like pretending I care anymore, and I hate having to fake laugh and paste a gaddamn fake smile on my face and look forward to 5 minutes from now or 10 minutes from then.  So instead, I skip all that crap and just do what I’m thinking in my head.  I can have a good time right now.  Of course, I know that in expressing myself a little more, I’m also invading other people’s territory, mainly via MySpace with ugly and lengthy comments, but I feel really giddy and rejuvenated and energized, so I feel like I need to tell someone.  At least it’s not in their faces, though.  They can read and respond if they want to, or if they feel polite, but they certainly don’t have to.  And I don’t really care if they don’t; my impression of myself is that I’m not too cute or bright or interesting, but that’s okay in a transition period, and during this transition, I actually don’t care what anyone else thinks about me.  That’s not to say I’m not putting in an effort and washing myself; I like to feel clean, and I like to see my acne disappear daily as I use Noxzema and moisturizer, and I like to look pretty and awake.  And, you know, as my mother reminds me whenever she catches me without makeup on, or when my hair’s looking oily, or when I’m just wearing a tee shirt, I have to at least keep up my appearances for Derek, whether it be for his satisfaction or so that other people aren’t calling me ugly.  Or both.

Actually, I never thought I’d say this, ever.  But I’m making one small attempt at finding myself.  And the first thing I have to do is act like myself consistently around everyone.

One of the main triggers for this was my mother asking about the girls.  Marty and E-Dawg and why we haven’t chilled in a while.  Just writing that down, I feel a catch in my throat, no exaggeration.  See, as much as my mother may want me to hang out with juniors who will go to the mall and take me to Hollister, as much as she wants me to hang out with “normal” girls not involved with the animal rights movement and the outlandish music I listen to…or maybe real studious girls who are smart and read a lot and don’t have a sense of style at all…now she understands why I hang out with them, and that would be because we have similar interests.  Do I have any major factor in my life in common with any junior I’ve met yet thus far?  No.  Well, okay, one, but I couldn’t carry a conversation with him.  Doesn’t matter, anyway.

Dude, I DON’T FEEL LIKE WRITING THIS ANYMORE.  I’m fucking happy, man.  Fuck this.  But I do miss my girls, a lot.


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