INDIEchouette


YOUR BLOOD, YOUR BONES, YOUR VOICE, AND YOUR GHOST
12 January, 2007, 535 pm
Filed under: School

Recently, I’ve been living vicariously through music, and it’s really, well, depressing. About four times this week, I’ve been alerted that I’m “boring.” First off, I hate the word “boring.” It sounds and even looks ignorant and oafish, probably because of the full, round letters like b, o, and g. I guess I didn’t really realize it till recently, but I’ve begun my decline already. It’s because of school, I think. It doesn’t interest me, and it takes up the time I could be doing something else that’s actually productive as far as living goes. I mean, history’s alright, as is French, but that’s only because I’ve got a natural inclination towards those subjects. I’m going to college, too…don’t get me wrong. And it’s not to drink and party; I plan on learning hardcore (hxc, LOLZ). It’s just, this high school deal is tedious, being here six hours a day and being banned by my mother from doing anything on weekdays after school, halfway because she doesn’t want to take me, and halfway because she doesn’t trust me and my grades because I’ve always been extremely easygoing about school, no matter how conscientious I am about some assignments. I’ve had at least a slight case of senioritis since I was a freshman, or perhaps since the sixth grade, IB and all. That is, by the way, why I didn’t feel like continuing IB or even applying to any high school centers, period. Which, by the way, is kind of unheard of from IB kids. A year from now, I’ll nearly be making accommodations to move out of my home, off to a school where I don’t know anyone. Quite frankly, that scares the hell out of me. It’s hard for me to make genuine friends because I make myself a challenge to get to know, I guess to evaluate how loyal people are going to be, and who’s not just picking up friends like hos. Who’s going to stick around, y’know? It pisses me off how many people just give up like that. But I have a hard time even gathering fair-weather or temporary friends who I enjoy, and in Math Analysis, I talk to no one, so I don’t know how I’ll get through college. And having a roommate. Ugh. We probably won’t get along, and we’ll hate each other, and she’ll think I’m way queer.

And I hate talking about college, by the way. That seems to be pretty much all my dad’s side of the family ever talks about, for some reason, and it’s obnoxious. I understand that they’ve put a few short of ten children through college, plus two grandkids, and I understand that my lovely step-cousin Jordan knows exactly what she wants to do with her life, and I even know that they understand my artistic (as in writing) intentions for life because my Uncle Matt is an artist himself, so, you know, it runs in the family on both sides. But that doesn’t mean I really want to talk about it. I have no clue where I want to go, honestly. There’s not even one single college in mind, but I want to go somewhere in Nebraska or Canada, maybe. That would be cute, I guess. Location’s the only thing I can even remotely pick out. I don’t really want to go to a big city, but I could do Omaha or some big old French-Canadian city. I couldn’t do Louisiana, though, parce que it’s in the south, and I’ve promised myself that I won’t go South because, really, I don’t want to! Plus, the family’s up north. I doubt I’ll do Pennsylvania, though, just because there’s nothing particularly appealing there, and I’ve lived there a good portion of my life, so it’s pretty much old news. And it’s a time warp.

Right now, I want someone to fall into my life and completely screw me over, and not academically. I want someone to come out and follow through with acquaintanceship and maybe follow up with friendship, even though I know it’s partially or maybe my completely my fault for not always making a valid effort when I’m intimidated. I’m listening to Wolf Parade (“I’ll Believe in Anything,” fantastic song, even if it’s everyone’s favourite) and waiting. Maybe not exactly waiting for that, more like sitting at the “band table” in the morning, another place I don’t want to be, but I was the first one to sit here this morning, and a lot of mornings before, waiting for the bell to ring so I can go to tedious classes I don’t feel like being in, or so I can get a few seconds to see Derek or Erika or Paige or anyone at all. UGH.

EDIT::
When you “screw someone over,” you’re not fucking them, but instead, you’re messing up something in their life and putting them in almost definite jeopardy of failure at whatever they’re trying to accomplish.  You’re “fucking them over.”  Over the edge.  It’s like screwing up, only it’s your fault and someone else suffers, that is, when you “screw someone over.”  You people know this.

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6 Comments so far
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well hey maybe after driver’s ed is over you’ll meet someone cool in your study hall that “completely screws you over”…? ahhh study hall. sounds awesome. do you know what our exam in there is? do we even have an exam? what’s up with that? please email me about it or something!

Comment by divya

btw idk for sure but i think i have an idea but i’m going to ask anyway, who called you boring? if they took the time to get to know you instead of talking all the time and not letting you get a word in, they’d realize that you’re far away from being boring.

aahhh i know, some parts of school just irk me. i’m like HURRY UP COLLEGE GET HERE ALREADY!!! but i’m scared for it to get here. school’s too repetitive, college is too scary…haha i think what i really want is the summer. even though neither of us are going to college next year or anything. but idk if i can stand another year of school. but hopefully my guidance counselor will know how to fix up my schedule and make it nice and pretty and fun yet educationally good in regard to college?

Comment by divya

lol i knew what you meant before you had the edit there. what i meant is that maybe you’ll meet someone in your study hall who will mess up whatever it is you’re trying to do. maybe they’ll be excitingly interesting.

Comment by divya

Hah, so WP randomly pointed me to your blog, and you remind me a bit of myself last year.

There is always more to everyone than you get at the first glance, but very few people actually have the time to slow down and dig for that random thing that makes a person awesome.

Also, dear god, college. Last year, college was the only subject that people would talk to me about, and about half way through my first month of school I was sick of it. I didn’t know for sure where I wanted to go, except that I didn’t want to go to MU (University of Missouri-they have the best journalism program in the country…) I just wanted to get through school and think about it later. I got really lucky with the school that I picked Northwest MSU, but I wont talk about that since I know you really don’t want to hear about it. :P

Trust me, it will get better. People will quit being dicks, and everyone will stop freaking about college. At least, that’s how life went for me.

Megan

Comment by anamberheart

Huh, it occurs to me, in hindsight of course, that I should look at the post date, because this was posted over two years ago.
I feel just a bit silly…

Comment by anamberheart

anamberheart/Megan:
Actually, even though you provided advice for the sixteen-year-old me, your comments provided the nineteen-year-old me with a refreshing and unexpected look back at the stress I felt when it came to choosing what school I wanted to go to, and the stress I felt with finishing high school on the whole. I wrote that post when I was a junior in high school, but now I’m a sophomore and although some of my fears were founded–like the fact that making friends is rough (when isn’t it?) and that I wouldn’t get along with my roommate–the rest of freshman year was actually a pretty sweet experience. And I’d been so nervous about it!

So you are completely right, and it’s a relief to know that. Though if you wanted to tell me about your experiences at college, I’d be happy to listen, since all that college-talking craze is finally over.

Also, it’s funny to me that I’ve been so wrapped up in living the college life that I haven’t even stopped once yet to reflect on how different it is from how I’d imagined, or how excellent it is to be in this position now where I can look back and say, “That wasn’t so bad.”

Comment by indiechouette




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