26 December, 2006, 1006 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

At the Connors place, I felt some severe hostility towards my mother, probably mainly because of her absence.  Rachael and I spent a good majority of our time with our older, legal cousins Erin and Dan, plus some younger cousins.  We ended the evening in playing Spoons and Tongues with all our little girl cousins, plus Erin and Dan.


I don’t really think my father understands how much of an age gap there is between me and my next cousin in age, much less between even me and Rachael.  It’s like he doesn’t know I’m sixteen and horrible with children.  I half-think he expects me to get down on all fours and pretend I’m a cat, like my six-year-old cousins were doing.


As for my grandmother, she can’t take me seriously, I think mainly because she knows I’m so much like my mother, such a mommy’s girl, and she may even know that I’m practically acting as the biased mediator in this situation.  She inquired about Derek, half-seriously, and I couldn’t think of any adjectives to describe him but “nice.”  But it’s not because I only think of him as “nice;” I just didn’t feel like telling her because I knew she wouldn’t care or take me as entirely serious as I am.  I can’t sum him up in a few words; there’s a whole story behind how I know him and how we’ve gotten to this point.  I knew she wouldn’t be intent on hearing it, or else she’d think I’m some crazy teenager.  Because with that side of the family, it’s “been there, done that.”  Everyone automatically has to know what you’re talking about.  If you’re in a teen relationship, well, man, you’ll be out of that lickety-split in a few days or a month.  You’re also the stereotypical irresponsible teenager who’s going to make all bad choices until you hit 21 or 23.  I don’t get it, and I don’t like it.  In fact, I hate it.  I can’t stand that attitude.  At least on my mom’s side, everyone can relate to the teenagers, because it’s a new experience.  They’re not necessarily giving advice and preaching.  They’re listening to your story.


At this point in my life, I hate talking about colleges.  I’m a junior.  I couldn’t get into an Ivy League school if I wanted to.  I want to go to Canada or the Midwest for college.  I want to write, maybe for a magazine.  I have no idea what exactly I’m going to do with my life, except the here and the now, which is high school, band, hang out, watch movies.  Live.  I know I would love to visit Canada and meet cultured people who think I’m interesting, because it seems like most people I meet have the same old life story as me, and thus, they’re not interested.  And hopefully, when I meet more of these people, some of their culture will rub off on me.  I’m not old enough to do any of that yet.  I’m not ready.


Aah, I miss Derek.  If he reads this, I imagine he’ll be way embarrassed.  Or not?  I feel so lame for coming out and saying it, especially on day two without him immediately close, but I’m not going to be able to see him for over a week, unless I get called to London on special business to be near him.  And really, he beats (pwns) my family on the interesting scale.  I miss being appreciated, and I miss appreciating, because my family doesn’t appreciate me, and I reciprocate their lack of appreciation.  I’m having the most intense form of separation anxiety, where if my mind’s not busy, I think immediately about the last movie we saw, or of songs that remind me of him.  Or I’ll listen to those songs that remind me of him.  I feel like crying, but that might just be lack of sleep catching up on me; I’m damn tired.


079 hug by >=> Mãhi Teshneh on Flickr


I also miss Erika insanely, what with her also being out of the country, and it’s odd not being able to communicate with her much, considering that normally when I’m in a pickle of some sort, I’ll tell her every last godforsaken detail, and instead of minding like most people would, she appreciates it.  Nowadays, I keep everything to myself, and it gets built up, I guess, so I need to tell separate people separate details, which is inconvenient.  Bedtime.


1 Comment so far
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TAKE A NAP. it’s good for you!

Comment by divya

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