20 December, 2006, 945 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I smell like cologne, and it’s a really happy smell. This winter break has been probably the best ever. There’s no snow, and I can’t say I’ve left the comfort of a home very much, or for very long (drives in between my home and Derek’s home), but it’s been relaxing and comforting and reassuring and pleasant, which I guess is what winter is supposed to feel like–being together–instead of feeling drowsy and depressed all the time. These days, I can sleep peacefully and not feel lonely when I’m trying to sleep (gaddamn, I’m sixteen…that sounded wrong), because I’ve got someone to think about. Instead of dreading the next awful day cooped up, I’m thriving on tomorrow, when I’ll get to go out and live happily again. I never felt that way in any other relationship, however goddamn exciting (sarcasm, anyone?) those two were, with sex by the minute and dates galore (way sarcastic).

I figured out a while ago that reading my own horoscopes can’t tell me jack squat about myself. Let’s get technical, okay? I’m one of those Virgos born in August. Generally speaking, Virgo means you’re way detail-oriented, you’re a perfectionist, and you aim to uh, serve or please. People can walk on you, but you’ll end up successful anyway because you’re way conscientious. You rely on rationality and facts, whereas most normal people rely on pure emotion. Emotion doesn’t come easily to you. The August touch basically means you’ve got a little Leo in you…maybe you’re a little egotistical, or maybe you’re on the outgoing side (of the timid spectrum, harhar). Ugh. I’ve read this a million times over. Fuck that shit. I know. I know. Do I ever need to hear it again? NO, FUCKING NO.

It’s interesting, though, reading the horoscopes of other signs. Not daily, shit, but the profiles. Or, well, sometimes, you HAVE to do this, but for a comparison, you have to get a fucking compatibility report. To me, compatibility reports have never meant shit. It’s not going to make me not like a guy if our fucking astrological signs aren’t compatible. It takes a lot more than that. Sometimes, by reading these things, you can pick out your own insecurities.

Let’s not segway. Let’s just jump the fuck into it; the water’s still cold, but that’s okay. I am fucking terrified of other people noticing my own flaws as readily as I see them. I’m paranoid. I figure that behind the scenes, life’s some kind of competition, and eveyone’s just comparing you to everyone else while you’re not around. That’s probably why I’m so damn passive. I figure that everyone else is as detail-oriented. I look at people’s hands, and I can tell if they’re as nervous or insecure as me just by looking at and around their fingernails. I love to look at people’s hands, and I love people with cultured hands, minus my own (I hate my hands with a burning passion; they’re very ugly). I like to observe feet a lot, too. I take in individual strands of hair and how they fall on people’s heads. It amazes me how some people’s hair has a deceiving texture. I like eyelashes a lot, probably because I’m so full of my own. I abuse them a lot. They’re black and long and thick, naturally. God, I’m a bragging bitch. I like to look at eyebrows, too. Unibrows bug me more than anything in the world. If/when I have female children, I will begin plucking their eyebrows from age four if they have unibrows. I’ve already promised myself that. I envy people with naturally thick but tolerable eyebrows, because mine are thick and unruly. I like to look at people’s eyes and hair in the sunlight, because manmade light is such a lie, plus, it’s way pretty in the real light.

Reading other horoscopes, though, has revealed that normal people don’t even notice this kind of shit, unless maybe they’re as sensitive and sappy as me. Most people just take in what they see on a surface level (I don’t even know how the fuck they do it!), and they evaluate from there. They don’t feel the need to dig deeper and see some kind of a poetry in details. They accept immediately. There’s a black and a white and a rough and a smooth, and there is no in-between. I don’t get it, but I’m slightly relieved that it might prevent my insecurities from being displayed any time soon on a giant silver platter. Like my eyebrows being slightly uneven, or my stomach, or my ugly fingernails, or my tendencies to not look like [insert hot female model/actress/singer here].

Gaddamn, I’m fucking tired. I just needed to get that out there. It’s something I’ve kept to myself for a while.


1 Comment so far
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i honestly think i can say i’ve never seen you this happy before. it makes me happy!!!!!
hahaha some horoscopes really are a load of bull, but sometimes the profiles say a bunch of true stuff. like mine for example. except that i have a thought that as i get older i might become work-obsessed and hardly ever spend time at home, which is scary.
i look at details too, but different details from those you look at. but i like hands. coming from someone who never has the chance to grow out her nails but likes the look yet hates the feel of it, you’re lucky you can do whatever you want with yours and still be comfy with them not feeling like you should chop them off. and i actually like your hands (AND I’M NOT JUST SAYING THAT), they’ve got this sort of childish (in a good way) yet feminine (but not “OHMYGOSHIBROKEANAIL”) vibe. that sounds weird but i can’t quite explain it any other way.
back to details, apart from hands, i notice mannerisms that people have and things they do a lot and i try to figure out WHY they do those particular things all the time, and why they speak the way they do and what sort of things make up who they are.
but i think once most people know other people well enough, like after a month or so, they quit observing details and just gather the big picture. because i haven’t really caught a lot of other people watching me like i watch others. (NOT STALKERISHLY!!!)
and hell yes sunlight is the best lighting ever made.
i watch eyes and hair and hands and just the way people move/carry themselves and do stuff. idk. it’s interesting.
hey don’t be so harsh on yourself, everybody has flaws, but most people worry about their own and overlook other peoples’.
it kinda bothers me when people want to look like others though- i mean, each person has their own individual look, except twins and clones. so…nobody can look the way you do and do it better because your look is your own. it’s why i have little respect for the vast majority of people i encounter at school and elsewhere. what happened to individualism? but some people look like everyone else unless you look at a small detail like shoes or something and then you realize they aren’t like most others. for example this girl in my english class looks like everyone else- except she wears converses, and she doesn’t wear them in a poser sense- she wears them because she likes them. and that was the first thing that clued me in that she’s not half as bad as the rest of them. though my english class IS filled with interesting people. but you get what i mean, i think.
i think that was more of a rant than a comment but i mean it all the same.

Comment by divya

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