1 December, 2006, 857 pm
Filed under: Barrels of Fun

What am I doing on a Friday night again? Wanting to hang out with my friends, but not being able. You know why this time? I don’t have a motherfucking ride.

Generally, weekends piss me off a lot. It’s getting dressed up, getting excited, waiting, getting tired, angry, hostile, bored, pissed off, not having a cell phone, not being able to drive. When I can drive, my life will be a thousand times easier. Screw not having a phone. When I can drive, I can get to where I want to be. A cell phone can’t perform a wonder even close to that.

I hate homework, school, sleeping, eating. If I could just chill for my whole life, I’d be more than happy. Daily, though, I feel more and more lonely because it feels like I’m holding out for something that will never happen. I cling onto this group as “my” friends, but I’m not seeing them anymore. As for my junior friends, we hardly share anything in common anymore. The sophomores, I relate to. I’m even a year older than them, and I’m clinging on, and I’m just slipping away like I have hyperhydrosis and I’m supposed to hold onto a glass bar for the life of me. I’d intended to be a part of that lifestyle, but I’m not because I’m vacant. I’m seeing that I’m in the outer circle now. I look out the bus window on my way home from school, and I see my friends laughing and having fun, but I’m disembodied, or just plain amputated. I’m welcome, but I’m more of a guest, not the “real thing.” I’ve noticed that Erika has made quite some progress with the men, and even Paige has. Me, I’m barely existent, and I’m not one of three single girls in the triad anymore; I am the single girl of the triad. It’s not even a triad anymore. The only one making any attempt to keep me informed is Erika. Paige says hi and things, but lately, I’m an absolute acquaintance. I’m a junior, and my mom wants to limit my fun because of two Cs (“Are you pissing away your junior year?”), but my days are numbered, and my free time is especially numbered, but the only people who seem to realize that (or maybe not even) are the pit kids. They take advantage of it, anyway. I adore them, but I need legitimate indie music talk and lame, lame jokes, or I think I’ll suffocate. I need one of those lame weekends where we all do silly things and walk to Food Lion and then maybe hit up Scene Pump for a night on the town.

I sacrificed all conformity and all junior friends and my mom and changed my lifestyle for these few people, and they mean the world to me, and I don’t even see them anymore when we all have free time. I can’t honestly say I’m not pissed. Pissed at who? I don’t really know. I can’t blame myself. I can’t pity myself. I’m just beginning to regret this whole year. I’ve pissed a quarter of my year by pining for something that obviously isn’t going to happen. It’s my most important year, and I sacrificed it. I hate this. I don’t have solid best friends. I hate change, even if I like myself best at this point in my life. I’m a little hostile, way tired, and I hate Sundays.


6 Comments so far
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weekends piss me off too, now that band is over, which is pretty ironic and pathetic, but it’s honest all the same. i wanted to point out though, being able to drive doesn’t make things easier, in a lot of cases it makes life more confusing and you get a lot more responsibility and freedom and sometimes that freedom can cause situations to get kinda complicated. i won’t deny that along with that freedom comes convenience and probably more happiness due to being able to do what you want and when you want to, in a lot more cases than before at least. and junior year is awkward and confusing and frustrating and incredibly important, not to make it any more pressuring. what’s ironic about hating change is that you’ll eventually start to become more open to change and you’ll be a little happier. by the end of this year, i promise you’ll be a different person and much happier. it’s just too bad you’ll probably have to go through hell to realize it all. whatever you do, don’t start slacking off now, save that for second semester senior year. i may have ruined my chances for college just by not doing a few homeworks in english class. irrelevent perhaps, but important to keep in mind, maybe. and foreal, i hate sundays too.

Comment by joshuaxjosh

Wow, I’m really sorry. I’ve felt like that so many times, I cannot even tell you, there’s just some times when I feel like I have NO solid best friends, and it seems like everyone else is tight-wound, and you’re stuck on the edge, used as a lame excuse for a hangout when the regular best buds have other plans. I hate it, but to me, it comes in phases, and I never know when they will spring upon me. All I can say is, know that I’ve too seen Friday nights that I’ve had to spend alone. Know you’re NOT alone!

Comment by Laura

i get that feeling a lot. i mean, out of three people i hung out with all last year, one of them, i couldn’t stand at all forever anyway. the other two…well, one of them is slowly drifting and getting annoyed with me more every day but not saying anything. the other one, she’s as great a friend as ever but i feel that i dont give her enough attention as she gives me. that needs to change.
and i have these two freshman friends and at times i can’t stand one of them because i’m so jealous and feel like i’m not worth anything as much as she is and the other one, i wish she went here because she seriously makes everything okay.
and then there’s you that i don’t even see anymore and kind of miss but i know in a few months that’s going to change even more.
and brenna who i hardly see anymore either so it sucks.
and chandana who i see every day but i wonder what’ll happen when i go to college.
and of course as you know i’m the s

Comment by divya

stupid computer.

well what i was saying is i’m always the single girl everywhere so i know how that feels.

Comment by divya
thought you’d like it as much as i do.

Comment by divya

Ms. Conny, I often turn a blind eye to these things because I have a strange way of handling misfortunes: by pretending they don’t exist. It’s not just you who has changed, but all three of us. My parents were already semi-anavailable before the split, and now it’s escalated to completely except for maybe once every couple of weeks. I have new responsibilities that I don’t need to specify to you, you already know. Marty herself had grwon to have her own circle. However, Marty and I still remain incredibly close. At the end of the day or an outing, we can just chill and discuss our separate happenings, and maybe play a little DBZ on the side. i’ve talked to Marty about you, and how I want the gheyness back, even if it’s random and pointless things that we do. I like our triad, as shaky as it’s been lately. Even if Marty has to deal with her own affairs, I’m always happy to have you come along on my escapades.

Comment by Edawg

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