So no swinging madness today, but I did reread PILE O’ HALLOWEEN CANDY 2005 for some kicks and giggles. And you know what I found?!?!?! PILE O’ HALLOWEEN CANDY 2006!!!!!! AAH!! Euphoria. Beastly. Actually, it’s now called “I-Mockery’s Ultimate Guide to the Halloween Candies of 2006. Now to read it…they judge candy in Jason Voorhees masks this year. Eek.
Favourite review from 2006:
I never understood the appeal of light-up candy necklaces, Halloween-themed or otherwise. The idea is you put these suckers in your mouth as they flash and it’s fun for all to see and hahahahaha good times, right? No, wrong. Who the hell wants to wear some sticky candy as a necklace. That shit is surely going to stain your shirt, and even if it doesn’t, do you really want to put it back in your mouth after it’s collected up a nice portion of lint? Your only real option here is to finish the thing in one sitting and then use it as a necklace. But then it would just be a flashing light on a necklace and I’m pretty sure only candy ravers (no pun intended) would be interested in that kind of fashion. The candies themselves are ok, but I still prefer the flavor of those classic fat-assed Ring-Pop jewels. I’m also not sure what these are supposed to look like. The illustrations of the various spooky characters on the package are so absurdly small that it’s hard to tell. I’m fairly certain this one is supposed to be a scary cat, but I think it came out looking more like Winnie the Poo. I don’t want to eat Poo this Halloween. I also noticed that the light shows up a lot better on the red one, I guess it’s just more translucent. The one good thing about these candy necklaces is that they were only a buck a piece, so at least they’re not trying to rip people off with ’em. Still, I could get two Ring-Pops for that price, and frankly, that’s far more appealing to me than just having one flashing lint-covered pieces of Winnie the Poo-shaped candy.
Honestly, quality. More hilarious than last year’s. Another exerpt I thought was necessary…
The main portion of the face comes off in one lick, but the green leaf design near the top stayed on much longer for some reason. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or if I should be worried. Eh, who am I kidding? When you’re eating something with instructions that require you to work the ribbed shaft and then “suck the candy head” you’re pretty much throwing caution into the wind anyway.
But on a different note, I get the impression that Monsieur R and other people seem to think I’m less sanitary than most and therefore mentally incapable because I have so many cats…and a pet rat. Um. Where are you getting this logic? I shower every day. I might not get manicures or use hairspray and so much perfume it makes you consider suicide…but I’m clean! And cat fur isn’t unsanitary. They don’t climb on me that much. I wash my clothes probably more often than you. And rats may have been the source of the bubonic plague, but that’s virtually nonexistant these days; Louie is (somewhat sadly) domesticated and quite friendly. He doesn’t chew on things, and he doesn’t have germs. I’d probably let him lick me before I’d let you lick me. Depending on who you are (winkity wink wink wink). Hint: CALL THA CELL LOLZ. OR IM ME//INDIECHOUETTE//WE CAN CYBER, TTYL. Kidding, of course. I don’t have a cell phone.
Also, for some reason, immature douchebags like to make fun of fat kids. I’ve never understood this. Well, okay. I’ve gotten halfway to understanding, and then I apply my logic to it, and it just makes no sense. There’s a kid who rides my bus, bigger guy who should probably actually consider wearing a sports bra -> flattening; it would help, honestly. In defense of fat kids, really, the media focuses on the worst of America, and they pressure us to be model-thin. Never have I, an average-sized kid, seen or met someone with a body like mine. It’s depressing; when I think of a model, I think of a representation of actuality, just an example. But models are, well, thin and pretty. Then again, you could interpret model as you know–“model citizen”–meritous. But aesthetics are entirely subjective; some girls like my mom prefer slightly chunky guys with an athletic build, you know, football-style, whereas girls like me like them to be string beans, or just leaner. God, I’m sorry for referring to you as a string bean. Not really. Maybe I’m sorry for referring to athletic built kids as slightly chunky. Nah.
What I meant to get at is that people can’t help genetics. I have bigger feet than my mom; I could never be thinner than her unless I was like ten years old, which was probably about when I weighed what she weighs. And why, then, would you make fun of someone because of genes? I should think you’re supposed to applaud them for not going bullimic/anorexic to fit unrealistic expectations. Sorry if I misspelled either of those disorders. I just think that we should be more accepting; maybe it’s our forefathers’ faults for exposing us to such bullshit. I read somewhere that curvy people are actually more inviting-looking, because curves are naturally less blunt; you don’t want to go up and greet a line. I’ve caught myself trying to make friends with curvier people, too, steering away from people who are thinner than myself because of intimidation factors. Like, “Oh, shit, I’m fatter than her/him, and obviously that’s the first thing he/she will note, that I’m of average size, and that will make her/him think I’m dirty. Maybe I’m not inviting in my Cursive jacket, though, which I wash once a week, bee-tee-double-you, so it smells fresh always. I wear it, by the way, because I love Cursive and because it’s cozy and because I’m too timid to ask my mom for a new fitting jacket because I know she’ll ask, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT ONE?!” as she watches it engulf my whole body in one swift chomp. Like, “Fuck you, it’s huge.”
But in defense of kids who make fun of fat kids…or at least think about it…honestly, America is sucking more and more every day. We’re a lazy society, with our automatic this and our superspeed that…so much so that people don’t really have to move anymore. You could work from the comfort of your own bed and get paid. Also, there’s no time like the present to educate people about animal rights…RaouF just learned today or recently, at least; never too late. It might change your life, and your weight too; less than 2% of vegans are obese, and those obese ones must be eating a damn lot. They’re probably not as obese, either, as the Guinness record holder, and are probably a good deal healthier than him. I mean–e. coli. Come on, newbs. Get lives. If you’re doing it for the health benefits, that is. I’ve heard good arguments, but I’m not here to argue. I’m just saying something and I don’t need or want negative backlash. I have my opinions and my morals; I’m no more moral than you are…I just have different standards.
So fat kids eat more meat. And this is true, especially with red meat; my mom seldom eats it, whereas my dad’s family eats raw cattle. Not really, but…you get the picture. London Broil every night. My one other veg cousin (in my WHOLE family, McDonald and paternal sides alike) and I have to get by on salads. And it’s nice that that’s an option, salad, but quite frankly, salad isn’t really an acceptable excuse anymore what with all the home-cooked, simple and delicious vegetarian innovations over the past decades. So I’m eating radiation-cooked veggies…at least I’m not eating dead flesh! At least I’m not obese?
Obesity also symbolizes the opposite of malnutrition, like supernutrition; I don’t know the word. But this also suggests that one has the funds to keep one’s stomach full of rich foods at all times. It suggests prosperity in that someone is making money for you and that you’re being pampered, essentially; you don’t have to perform physically hard work to make your 6+ figures, and so maybe you don’t deserve it like the rest of us.
No, even after writing that, I still don’t see any valid excuse for making fun of kids who are overweight. Been there, done that, basically, so I don’t want to hear it. Maybe someday I’ll write about the pains of losing weight, but I don’t think that’s today’s entry. I don’t feel like talking about “The Biggest Loser,” either, which is a show I have mixed feelings about. And this isn’t to say I won’t laugh; I totally have a sense of humour about everything, but if you’re being genuinely and directly mean, I won’t tolerate it. In fact, I’ll pwn you like never before.
I also take lame jokes pretty well. And make them a lot.
Trust me; it was funny.
Reminders: Downloads…oh yeah. Sorry; I was wrong…Clicking on “Spectacular Views” does download “Spectacular Views,” so don’t be confused by my nonsense. I realized that I’d downloaded “The Execution of All Things” from Saddle Creek, and I didn’t realize it, so…ignore. Ha. By the way, you want my mood, then listen to “A Man/Me/Then Jim,” “Spectacular Views,” “Handle With Care.” Or “June On The West Coast” by Bright Eyes. DO IT. I’m so tired of being lonely. I still have some love to give. Won’t you show me that you really care?
Or better yet…”Hello, you’re my very special one.” That’s Velvet Underground/RK’s cover of it, though. I want someone to tell me that and to understand it, and I want to be able to reciprocate it. There are few people, at this point, that I would reciprocate that for.
Also get pumped; I’m writing a Lehigh Valley one as we speak/as I type and you read. Take this photo of purity as proof: it’s kind of a big deal. LOLZ junior class aka class of ’08 is kind of lame and I’m kind of ashamed to be a part of it.
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